Tagged: “Love”

If I forgive another, I am worried that I then will no longer see the truth: What they did was wrong. Can you help me with this?

There is a large difference between forgiving people and excusing their behavior. Forgiving necessitates this: You continue to see their actions as wrong, but those actions no longer are the exclusive or primary way in which you think about those people. You begin to see them as far more than their actions against you. Again, you do not invalidate the wrong, but you make room in your heart for the person as person. Reconciliation then is possible if they are trustworthy and do not continue to harm you.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.

I forgave my ex-partner and all was forgiven and forgotten. This was years ago. All of a sudden, I find myself angry all over again after three years. Did I not go through the forgiveness process the first time?

Forgiving others is not a perfect straight line that gets you to the end of anger and then all anger is finished. The late Lewis Smedes said that forgiving is an imperfect process for imperfect people. Sometimes anger does resurface and it is good to once again go through the forgiveness process. This time, it likely will be a shorter journey, well worth your time and effort. Anger does not necessarily go away completely and so please be gentle with yourself as you forgive again. You may have to do this in the future and this is not unusual.

For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.

I am a little confused about self forgiveness. You say that you do not forgive your own particular imperfections such as, for example, not being good in sports or being overweight or having a chronically sore knee with which you are frustrated. Why can’t we forgive the less-than-perfect coordination or the weight issue or the knee? It seems that it would help people move on in life.

I say that we do not forgive those issues because forgiveness is centered on **persons** and not on things. You offer your goodness to other persons in the hope that they change. When a person is frustrated by the issues of coordination or weight or a challenging knee, the person can forgive **the self** for the disappointments or even the self-loathing caused by these issues. In other words, you are not focused on the issues as you self-forgive, but instead on yourself as a person. You are welcoming yourself back into the human community because of the self-frustration or self-loathing.

For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.

How do you know that you can skip a step in your Process Model of forgiveness without it affecting the success of that process?

We tend to rely on common sense in this situation. For example, in the Uncovering Phase, one unit in the process is to see if you have been comparing yourself with the offending person, with the false conclusion that you are less of a person than the other. If you do not make such comparisons, then you can skip that step. There are parts of the forgiveness process that seem essential to us such as:

• seeing the other person as more than the hurtful actions against you;
• being aware of a softened heart within you as you progress in forgiveness;
• bear the pain of what happened so that you do not pass that pain back to the offending person or to others.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

I hurt someone and now I feel guilty. What are some pointers you can give me to seek forgiveness for what I did?

As you seek forgiveness you can:

• practice humility, that insight that you are not perfect.
• You certainly are deserving of respect because all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable.
• You can apologize and then
• wait patiently for the other to consider forgiving. Just because you are ready to receive the other’s forgiveness does not mean that the other is on the same timeline.
• Change the behavior that led to the difficulty.
• Then go in peace knowing you are doing your best in this.

For additional information, see: Learning to Forgive Others.