Tagged: “Misconceptions”

I am feeling pressure from my particular faith. It seems to me that if I do not forgive, I am in trouble. Can you help me?

It is not unusual for me to hear this kind of worry: “Uh-oh, I had better forgive or else I will not be forgiven by God and so I am eternally condemned.”  Yet, as I have studied this particular belief system to see if I can alleviate that worry, I find that many people misunderstand these issues coming from faith.  In reflecting on the religious exhortation to forgive, I am convinced that the kind of thinking described here is incorrect.

Take, for instance, the Lord’s Prayer in the Christian faith, in which people ask to be forgiven only as they forgive.  Taken out of context by focusing exclusively on this one theme in the prayer, this idea seems to be a grim and perhaps scary command.

Yet, in its broader context, it is all about love.  After all, the one who is praying begins with one of the most intimate and loving set of words by saying, “Our Father.” In other words, the one who prays is saying, “I am in a loving relationship.  My loving Father values forgiving. I, too, out of love, want to do the same.  As I love my Father, I will forgive and be forgiven.”  This is a petition of love to uplift, not a grim obligation to bring a person down.  The motivation here is to love God and to show it by forgiving.

For more information, listen to Dr. Enright discuss forgiveness from a religious perspective as a guest on The Drew Mariani Show, a production of Relevant Radio.

I am a religious person, a Christian. When I forgive, I ask God to help me. I now am wondering if this form of forgiveness is passive. In other words, rather than I doing the work, aren’t I asking God to do the work?

There is a large difference between passivity and grace. When you ask God for help in forgiving, you are asking for the grace to go forward well. You work with the grace; you are not then passively stopping your own process of forgiveness. In other words, people continue walking the hard path of forgiveness, but now with grace, which can make that walk more bearable, more efficient, and more complete. Do you see how you are not passively handing over the entire process to God?

For more information, see Faith and Religion.

Is it possible to forgive someone who is deceased? If so, what would the forgiveness look like?

Yes, you can forgive someone who is deceased. Forgiveness includes thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. One can think of the other person as possessing inherent (unconditional) worth. One can cultivate feelings of compassion for the person, not because of what he or she did, but in spite of this. Even behaviors can be a part of the forgiveness. For example, one might donate to the deceased person’s favorite charity. One might say a kind word about the deceased to family members. Depending on one’s religious beliefs, the forgiver can offer a prayer for the one who died.

For additional information, see: Forgiveness Defined.

Are forgiveness and trust the same?

Forgiveness and trust differ. Forgiveness as an act of mercy toward an offender can be offered unconditionally. Trust needs to be earned if the offense is deeply serious. Forgiveness is a moral virtue. Trust accompanies reconciliation, which is not a moral virtue but instead is a negotiation strategy between two or more people. Finally, you can forgive without trusting the other, at least in those areas of his or her weakness. For example, you can forgive a compulsive gambler and watch your wallet.

Learn more at What is Forgiveness?

I lost contact with a friend whom I want to forgive. Must I communicate directly with her for my forgiveness to be true forgiveness?

No, you do not have to go directly to your friend to say that you have forgiven. Forgiveness starts in the heart, as a change from resentment to empathy and compassion. You even can do a behavioral gesture of goodness in an indirect way toward your friend. As an example, you can donate some money to a charity in her name. This gesture of goodwill is a behavioral part of forgiveness.

For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?