Tagged: “Misconceptions”
One of my colleagues said this about relaxation training: “It is only the tip of the iceberg.” In other words, there is a lot more to anger reduction than relaxed muscles. Why do you think this is the case?
I think this is the case because, once the client gets up off the couch from relaxing, there is a tendency for the anger to re-emerge in the heart. This is the case because the injustice is still a focus for the client, and that focus tends to have the anger come back after the relaxation ends. Forgiveness therapy tends to reduce the resentment (toward the one who behaved unjustly) and this then leads to a significant reduction in the anger that tends to stay away in the long term.
What is the difference between forgiveness therapy and a more traditional approach that focuses on the control of one’s anger, such as through relaxation training or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in which anger is controlled by how one thinks about a challenging situation?
Traditional approaches to treating anger focus specifically on the symptom of anger itself. You can see this clearly in the relaxation method. The person relaxes muscles so that the physical tightness and the feeling of anger can lessen. In forgiveness therapy, the focus is not on the symptom of anger. Instead, it is on the person who acted unfairly. As the client sees a vulnerable person (who acted badly), even a wounded person who displaced his own anger onto the client, then the anger has a tendency to diminish. In summary, traditional approaches focus on symptoms. Forgiveness therapy puts the focus on the other person as a person and this helps with anger reduction.
I have just one more question, my seventh follow-up question: Suppose I forgive unconditionally, without an apology from the other person. Does that render my forgiving incomplete?
No, it does not. Why? It is because you have done the best that you can. Your engaging in the moral virtue of forgiveness is not flawed if the other refuses your great generosity. I actually have an essay on the Psychology Today website addressing this very issue. Here is a link to that essay:
Here is my sixth follow-up question: You make a good point about whether the religious system demands or encourages the withholding of forgiving before the other repents. I looked into this and it seems that it is an encouragement. Is that all right, do you think?
I am not in a position to pass judgement on the religious system, especially given that I do not know the history of it or the nuances behind this encouragement. So, for now, it is best if I do not offer an opinion because it would be given out of my own ignorance of the system.
Here is my fifth follow-up question: I know some people, whose religious beliefs encourage the withholding of forgiving until the other repents. Again, this is for the good of the one who acted unjustly. Does this mean that the religious system is wrong?
No, it does not imply that the religious system is wrong primarily because of the good intentions of this request. It is not clear to me whether this religious system demands the withholding of the forgiving until the other repents or whether the system encourages it for the good of all involved. Which is it?
