Tagged: “Misconceptions”
You often talk about forgiveness education for children. How do you recommend that I go about this if I am naive about what forgiveness actually is and how to go about it?
We at the International Forgiveness Institute have age-appropriate forgiveness curriculum guides, professionally produced, that are meant for parents and educators. If you follow the instructions for each lesson in any of these guides, you, along with your children, will be learning more deeply about what forgiveness is, its importance in our lives, and how to go about it.
I have an adult friend who currently is staying away from her mother because of continual harsh treatment. Is this showing unforgiveness or something else?
It depends on what is in your friend’s heart. If she needs some time away to heal from the emotional wounds, she can still be working on forgiving her mother during this time. If, on the other hand, she is staying away to impose hurt on her mother, this could be motivated by revenge and not forgiveness. In other words, the answer to your question depends on your friend’s motivation for staying away.
What is your opinion of parents who insist that the children forgive each other for the sake of a peaceful home?
The parent has to be careful here. Sometimes a hurt child needs a little time to be angry about what happened. If a parent hovers over the child and insists on forgiveness “right now,” this might be a deterrent for the child, who then feels pressure about forgiveness. It is reasonable to talk about forgiveness as a strong approach to a peaceful home, but this lesson may best be learned when there is not high tension caused by a recent unfairness in the home. In other words, instructions on what forgiveness is and its positive consequences are important in their proper context.
I think that feelings of guilt, within temperate bounds, actually is healthy. In other words, a person who feels guilty can take action to correct a wrong. Given that this is the case, might my forgiving someone be ill-advised since I think those who do wrong should feel guilty?
When you forgive, you are not asking a person to feel no guilt because of the unfair treatment. A healthy way to forgive is to offer mercy and then to ask for fairness. This seeking fairness is not part of forgiveness, but rather is part of the moral virtue of justice, which can coexist with forgiveness. Once the other person sees, acknowledges, and changes the unfairness, then it is appropriate to help the person reduce the guilty feelings. Forgiving a person will not create a false sense of guilt reduction if you proceed with the request for fairness, in the hope the other responds positively to this.
I’m confused about forgiveness in the following context. I am trying to forgive my brother for something that, to me, clearly was wrong. He keeps insisting that he did nothing wrong. He says I am a hypocrite if I proceed with my forgiveness. Can I go ahead and forgive him, even though he is continually denying any wrongdoing?
Yes, you can forgive whenever you are ready, because forgiving is your choice, not someone else’s. You can forgive your brother without announcing it to him. You even can consider forgiving him for his insistence that you are a hypocrite. Again, the choice always is yours.
