Tagged: “Misconceptions”
What if I want to forgive from the heart and not behave in a way that is forgiving? I ask because I am not able to reconcile with the person and so I cannot act directly toward him.
You still can engage in forgiving behaviors even if these are not directly toward the one who hurt you. For example, you can say something kind about the person to others or donate a small amount of money to a charity in this person’s name. Forgiving behaviors such as these can occur indirectly even if you are not able to reconcile with him.
Erika Kirk forgives Tyler Robinson
Photo by RDNE Stock project, Pexels.com
In Erika Kirk’s speech at the memorial service for her husband, Charlie Kirk, she proclaimed toward the one accused of firing the shot, “I forgive him.” She received a standing ovation in front of approximately 70,000 people when she made this statement. Shortly after this, one of the members of our International Forgiveness Institute appeared on a radio program to discuss forgiveness and was asked if such quick forgiveness is legitimate. The answer was that it is rare, but does occur. One example given was that of Corrie Ten Boom, as described in her book, The Hiding Place. She was imprisoned in a concentration camp during World War II. While in a church and following one of her talks emphasizing the need for forgiveness, an SS officer who abused her while she was held captive approached her, extended his hand, and asked for forgiveness. She prayed and felt an electrical charge go up her arm, and was overwhelmed with a love for the man. She was able to legitimately forgive him. Such forgiveness, whether from Erika or Corrie, does not mean that anger never resurfaces again. It can. Yet, a pathway of forgiveness already has been experienced, and so practicing it again may lead to deeper forgiveness as the person continues to work on this important moral virtue.
What do you mean about finding new purpose in a person’s life once forgiveness is accomplished?
Purpose in this case is a new goal for your life toward other people that may emerge once you know and appreciate the forgiveness process. As an example, some people develop a new goal of helping others to reduce their suffering. The forgivers, having explored their own suffering, become more attuned to the suffering of others. The forgivers then want to help others, who have been treated unjustly, to learn about and possibly practice forgiveness if they would like to do so.
You discuss “giving a gift to the offender” near the end of the Work Phase of forgiveness. Should I expect a sincere apology from the one toward whom I give this gift of kindness?
I do not recommend that you hold out the expectation of the other person’s apology. Otherwise, you might think of your forgiveness as incomplete. When you offer goodness to the one who hurt you, then you are doing the best you can with your forgiveness. Even if the other does not respond positively, you have forgiven. Therefore, I would not go into the forgiveness process expecting the apology. If it comes, that is good, but it is not necessary for you to go in peace.
If I have no pain, no anger about what another person did to me, is forgiveness even necessary?
Forgiving others is not all about the self and feeling better. As a moral virtue of being good to those who are not good to you, forgiving is valuable in and of itself. This is the case because all moral virtues, by definition, are good. So, if someone is unfair to you and you are ready to forgive, go ahead even if you have no residual anger or negative responses.
