Tagged: “Misconceptions”
The more that I take the other person’s perspective, the more I see a nasty person who should not have given in to those inner wounds. In other words, taking this kind of perspective makes me less forgiving, not more forgiving.
When we take the other’s perspective, we do not focus exclusively on that person’s history of being wounded. Yes, this is part of the process, but only one part. We also ask the forgiver to take what we call the global perspective in which the forgiver tries to see that both the one who offended and the forgiver share a common humanity. This, coupled with seeing the other person’s inner wounds, can help soften the heart of the one who is forgiving. We further have what we call the cosmic perspective, if the forgiver has a faith-based perspective, which can include seeing that both the one who offended and the one who was offended are both loved by God.
If, as you say, forgiveness is such a noble and difficult moral virtue to practice, don’t you think we should start teaching forgiveness to children at a young age?
Yes, forgiveness education needs to begin early in order to offer children the opportunity to learn how to love in this way of forgiving those who have been unjust. This is why we at the International Forgiveness Institute have developed forgiveness curricula for students from age 4 to age 18. Forgiveness education has been scientifically tested and found to help students forgive and to reduce their anger.
Are there any other moral virtues which call for you to develop love for people who have treated you unfairly?
It seems to me that forgiveness is the one moral virtue for this. Forgiveness is such a noble virtue because it is offered through our pain to those who inflicted that pain. It demands more of you than most examples of justice (it is typically easy to be fair to people who are fair to you) and the kind of love that is reciprocal (it is easy to love a child who loves you). Giving agape love (in service to others even when it is difficult to do so) to someone who does not give it to you is difficult.
I am confused about this idea of taking the offending person’s perspective when forgiving. Isn’t this somewhat unhealthy because, when taking that perspective, I might conclude that there was nothing wrong because that person has so many internal wounds that he just could’t help doing what he did.
When we take the offending person’s perspective, we keep carefully in mind that we are not condoning what this person did. In other words, we keep the perspective that what the person did was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. From that position, we try to see a true human being who has worth despite the shortcomings of the unjust behavior.
I am feeling kind of forced into forgiveness. Here is why: My partner asked me to forgive her and I said I am working on it. She came back at me with this: “You, who are supposed to be such a good person, cannot even offer forgiveness to me when I ask? What’s the matter with you?” How would you respond to that?
I first would forgive her for this accusation and the pressure that she is putting on you. Then, with a forgiving heart, I would gently explain that forgiveness is a process and you are sincerely working on that process. You can update her on the process if and when you are ready. We need to realize that each of us has a different timeline for forgiving and so we need to resist pressure from others to have it all wrapped up quickly.
