Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Why do you say that forgiving is a moral virtue when I often read that some scholars simply say that to forgive is to reduce anger toward the offending person?
As stated in my most recent answer here, a person can pardon another because the offended person sees the offending person as low in humanity. The same is true for reducing anger. An offended person can reduce anger because he sees the other as not worth the effort and as being low in humanity.
May I disagree with your definition of forgiving? You say that it is offering mercy to the one who was unjust, but one dictionary I consulted said that it is remitting punishment. So, I am confused.
Those who write dictionary definitions of something as deep as forgiveness do not necessarily get it right by offering one quick sentence. To remit a punishment is often seen as pardon, not forgiveness. For example, a judge in a court of law who cancels a parking ticket even though the person is guilty is offering pardon, in this case, legal pardon. If all a forgiver does is cancel punishment, this can be done for any number of reasons, including the harsh judgement that the offending person is so low in humanity that he just does not understand what justice actually is. This condemnation of the other’s humanity is hardly a moral virtue, as forgiveness is.
I have given up on therapy because my therapist suggested forgiveness. I do not want to just give in and say, “Okay, I forgive you. What you did was not so bad.” Can you offer me some advice on this?
I think you are misunderstanding what forgiveness actually is. When we forgive a person who acted unjustly, we do not make excuses for the behavior. That behavior was, is, and always will be seen as unjust. You are not letting the unjust behavior go, and you are not saying that it “was not so bad.” You are offering mercy to the person without condoning the behavior when you forgive.
I just wanted you to know that I have visited three different therapists, and all three encouraged me to forgive a parent who was cruel to me when I was a child. At first, this idea of forgiving offended me, but having heard it so often, I have come around to trying it and liking it. I just wanted to give you this feedback.
Thank you for letting me know that you tried forgiveness after three therapists recommended it. We have to be careful that the therapists do not pressure us into forgiving. Forgiveness is your choice, not the choice of the therapists.
You distinguish forgiveness and reconciliation, but I am wondering if linking the two is actually good for the one who keeps on offending. In other words, maybe you should emphasize that an offended person is doing something altruistic by withholding forgiveness until the other person changes. This gives the offender a chance to alter bad behavior. What do you think?
An offended person can ask the offending person to change whether or not that offended person first withholds forgiveness or not. In other words, I see no reason to make forgiving conditional on the offending person’s behavior if there are other avenues for assisting that person in changing unjust behavior. The offended person can be gentle and persistent in asking for change, even with forgiveness having been offered beforehand. Forgiving is not an open door for the offending person to keep on being unjust.
