Tagged: “Misconceptions”

I know you say that forgiveness and justice should grow up together, but I still am not convinced.  Isn’t it the case that as I forgive and soften myself toward the one who injured me, I become less motivated to do the hard work of justice-seeking?  I say this because a little anger in the heart can toughen the heart to move forward with the quest for fairness.

June 22, 2024 No comments
You make a good point that mild and short-term anger can motivate a person to seek fairness.  Here is another perspective: As you forgive, you seek the good of the other person who hurt you.  Part of this seeking after the other’s good is to assist that person in growing to be a fair person.  So, the short-term anger is good for motivating the injured person to stand up for his rights.  The longer-term forgiving is good for motivating the injured person to help the other be fair for that other person’s sake.

Which is the deeper form of forgiving: being respectful of the offending person or trying to love that person?

June 21, 2024 No comments
If by the term love you mean willing the good of that person and then acting on this even when it is painful for you to do so, then love in this sense is much deeper than respect.  Respect is highly valued, but it does not cost the forgiver as much struggle and even pain as love in this sense does.  You can be respectful from a distance.  Love in service to others requires you to enter into that other person’s life to be of help, in this case to aid in leading a better life.

I read recently that people can learn to forgive in as little as 2 or 3 hours. Can Forgiveness Therapy really be that quick?

June 21, 2024 No comments
We have to make a distinction between the hard work of forgiveness in therapy when the person has deep hurts from severe injustices and quick learning about forgiveness. The quick process can be effective when a person is confronting mild injustices from others and comes to such interventions with minimal emotional compromise.  The modern norms of finding quick solutions to everything can be an illusion to be avoided.  When deeply hurt by others’ cruelty, please be prepared to walk a path of forgiveness that is not quick.  This can lead to scientifically supported emotional health gains.

When people forgive extreme injustices, do others condemn this?

June 21, 2024 No comments

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Some people have made the claim that when a person forgives others for extreme injustices, then the forgiver is open to discrimination and heavy criticism.  Yet, a study published in 2022 suggests otherwise.  Eaton, Olenewa, and Norton (2022) asked over 100 college students in each of two studies to react to two stories, one in which a woman forgives the murderer of her child and the other in which a person forgives the drunk driver who killed the spouse and child.  In both studies, even though the participants tended to disagree with the decision to forgive, most did not criticize the forgivers.  At least in this study, those who are what the authors called “extreme forgivers” were not held up to extreme criticism.  Even if they were, it is the forgivers’ choice whether or not to offer this surprising goodness if they choose to do so.

Eaton, J., Olenewa, J., & Norton, C. (2022). Judging extreme forgivers: How victims are perceived when they forgive the unforgivable. International Review of Victimology, 28, 33-51.  https://doi.org/10.1177/02697580211028021