Tagged: “New Ideas”

I am not able to gather any concrete information about the person who robbed me.  How then do I forgive when I cannot examine this person’s life, including any trauma that might have contributed to this hurtful action?

We talk about taking three perspectives on the one whom you are forgiving: the personal perspective, the global perspective, and the cosmic perspective.  The personal perspective is as you describe: trying to better understand the person’s own struggles, confusions, and wounds. Yet, you still can take the global perspective in which you reflect on the shared humanity between you and the person who robbed you.  You both have worth, not because of your actions, but because each of you is unique and irreplaceable in this world.  Depending on your spiritual/religious beliefs, you might consider the cosmic perspective: Are you both made in the image and likeness of God?  Thinking in these ways may help you soften your heart toward the person.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.

How young can someone be to start forgiving?

We have found that pre-kindergarten children (age 4) and kindergarten children (age 5) are able to follow picture-book stories centered on family love.  This is an important foundation for learning how to forgive.  We have found through our scientific studies that children as young as 6-years-old can understand the causes and consequences to behavior.  They, therefore, can understand unjust actions by others (a cause) and the development of resentment in the offended person (a consequence). Further, these 6-year-old children then can understand that the resentment can be overcome by forgiving, which in some cases can restore relationships (if the other is willing to cooperate).

For additional information, see Your Kids Are Smarter Than You Think.

Should Forgiveness Education be required in school curricula for kindergarten through grade 12?

Let me start with a question: What is the major purpose of education?  Is it to prepare the student well for adult life?  If so, how are we now preparing students to confront and overcome the grave injustices against them that can rob them of their happiness and even lead to their displacing their discontentments onto others?  I think this overcoming of deep resentment happens only through forgiving.  What is more important: learning how to balance a checkbook or overcoming deep resentments that could kill a person?  The answer to this question, then, leads to my answer to your question: Yes, if education is to help people prepare for the rigors of adulthood, then it is wise to bring forgiveness education into school curricula.

For additional information, see Kids Are Smarter Than You Think.

Can forgiveness restore a person’s sense of hope for a better future?

Yes, this can happen and here is one example.  A study by Hansen and Enright (2009) was done with elderly women in hospice.  Each had about 6 months to live. We screened the participants so that each of them had been hurt deeply in the past by a family member and each participant still was not forgiving.  This was our shortest forgiveness intervention ever, 4 weeks.  It was short because the life-span expectancy was short for each of the courageous women who volunteered for the study.  At the end of the study, those who had the forgiveness intervention increased statistically significantly in forgiveness toward the family member(s) and in hope for the future.  Some of the participants called their family to their bedside and talked about forgiveness and reconciliation in the family.  Why did hope increase significantly?  I think this occurred because the participants now knew that they were leaving their family in a much better position, a place of forgiveness and harmony.

Here is the reference to that research:

Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009).  A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60. Click here to read the full study.

Can we forgive sociopaths, those who seem to lack all empathy and so just can’t help their crimes?

I find your question fascinating because it has a hidden philosophical assumption.  You see sociopathy as a disease, similar to a physical disease, in which the person “just can’t help” the behavior.  While it may be the case that some who show this lack of empathy may have brain abnormalities, it is conceivable that many others have become non-empathic because of a slow accumulation of free-will decisions made over the course of the person’s life.  In other words, the idea of “just can’t help” it may be occurring now because of choices made that deliberately hurt others, with a knowledge that it was hurting them.  So, yes, you should be able to forgive those who show sociopathy.

For additional information, see Why Forgive?