Tagged: “Perseverance”

Can I forgive without trusting a person?

Yes, you can forgive without trusting a person. Oftentimes, we forgive people, but then do not trust them in certain areas where they have weaknesses. A compulsive gambler can be forgiven and yet you watch your wallet, as an example. It also can be the case in which you forgive a person whose character is weakened to such a degree that you cannot trust him or her in many areas. In such a case, you might forgive, but then not reconcile if he or she refuses to change and is a danger to you.

For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?

You talk about forgiveness as a process, one that can take time. I find that as I go along the path of forgiveness, that I slip into revenge-seeking. I do not mean anything violent, just some nastiness or even verbal disrespect. Do you think this will delay my forgiveness process?

We are all imperfect forgivers and so we cannot think of forgiveness as a straight line from the start to the finish. We go back and forth with forgiveness. At times, we see the one who offended us as possessing inherent worth. Then we might have a dream about the person and we wake up angry and do not want to even think about the person. The key here is to understand that the process is not a straight line. Have patience with yourself. Try to have patience with the one whom you are forgiving. In time, this back-and-forth will even out and improvements in forgiving are likely as you continue to persevere in the forgiveness process.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

I started the forgiveness process, but I am stuck on the idea that I might be able to have some compassion for the one who injured me.  This is not possible.  So, am I flunking the forgiveness  test?

You definitely are not “flunking the forgiveness test” if you are unable to feel compassion toward the other.  Please keep in mind the following points: First, forgiveness takes time and so please be gentle with yourself. Second, we are not necessarily in control of our emotions, especially one as delicate as compassion, or a tender suffering along with the other.  Third, please resist trying to force compassion.  It likely will come only with time and the continual practice of forgiving.  This could be many months.  Fourth and finally, you do not have to forgive in its complete sense to have forgiven the person.  Even if you can see his or her mistakes, pain, and confusion, this may be sufficient for your forgiving, at least for now.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined. 

How can one keep motivated to stay with the forgiveness process if it is not working after a few months?

First, please keep in mind that it can take many months to forgive, especially if the injustice was severe and you are deeply hurt.  I recommend that you focus on your strong will.  You probably have had to use that strong will at times in the past, for example, to overcome a soft-tissue injury, or to persevere on a work or school project.  Try to remember one incident of appropriating and persevering in this strong will.  Now apply it to forgiving.  You have a challenge and staying with that challenge by continuing to practice forgiving may lead to even a small improvement in your anger, in your well-being, and possibly even in your relationship with the other person.  Any of these as small improvements might increase your motivation of staying with the forgiveness process.

For additional information, see  The Four Phases of Forgiveness. 

I tried to expand my perspective of the one who hurt me. When I did this, I truly saw all sorts of hurts in this person.  Do you know what effect this had on me?  It made me not like myself because I now ask this: “How could I not have seen all of this before?” I think I am stupid and so now I am not liking myself very much.  Help!

Let us take comfort from Aristotle here.  This ancient Greek philosopher instructed us that it takes much time and effort to grow in each of the moral virtues such as justice, patience,  kindness, and forgiveness.  None of us is perfect as we try to exercise any of these virtues.  As part of the process of growing in the moral virtue of forgiveness, we are challenged to take this wider perspective on those who have been unjust to us.

I have found that it is quite rare for people to take this wider perspective without some instruction.  So, please be gentle with yourself.  You still are growing in this moral virtue.  You cannot be expected to be perfect in this process. So, as you take this longer perspective on the one who hurt you, please try to be encouraged that you, like most of the rest of us, do not automatically generate such thinking.

Therefore, you definitely are not, in your word, “stupid.” We are all on this journey of discovery and it is all right that we are not perfect at this point.  In fact, Aristotle counsels us that we never reach full perfection in any of the moral virtues.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.