Tagged: “resentment”
What if, when I forgive, I am not as happy as I was before the person treated me unfairly. Then might it be the case that I have not actually forgiven?
When we are treated unfairly by others we sometimes lose something, such as a relationship or we leave our job. This can lead to unhappiness in the short-term. This unhappiness does not mean that you are unforgiving. It means that you have a difficult situation to confront. The unhappiness in this case is not because of unforgiveness. Your forgiveness, even if it is to a small degree right now, may help you achieve happiness in the future as you adjust to the new situation.
Can you suggest at least one very effective way to motivate a person to start the forgiveness process?
I find that a person’s internal, emotional pain is a strong motivator to at lease consider forgiveness as a healing strategy. If the person has tried many different approaches, and none of them has led to significant relief, then a person often is ready to give forgiveness a try.
I have post-traumatic stress. Is it better to treat the symptoms, such as sleeplessness, first or to forgive first?
The answer depends on the symptoms of the post-traumatic stress. Because you have sleep challenges, these should be addressed first. If, instead, another person has some anger or sadness and these are not impinging on the person’s everyday life, then forgiving first can lessen these symptoms. The regulation of symptoms and forgiving can complement one another. For example, once your sleep pattern is regulated, your forgiving may help in establishing a regular sleep cycle. As the sleep cycle regulates, you may have more energy and focus to forgive well.
I have a question about what I am calling “angry crying,” or crying every time I am mad at someone. Is “angry crying” something good or to be avoided?
“Angry crying” can be a catharsis and this release of the negative feelings is good, at least to a point. A key issue to consider is the intensity, duration (at any given time), and how long over time you cry. In other words, when you look at your pattern, is it very intense and long lasting? If so, then the cathartic benefits are not necessarily leading to a cure of the anger. Forgiveness has as one of its goals the cure of deep resentment so that it goes away or is reduced to very manageable levels. So, “angry crying” is not necessarily good or bad in and of itself. If it is intense and the release is only temporary, then you need more, such as forgiving those who are making you cry.
I grew up in a household in which my parents got angry quickly and expressed their anger often. I am about to get married. What cautions do you see for me?
I would recommend that you have a discussion with your future marriage partner about the kinds of patterns that occurred in each of your families of origin. Try to see the woundedness that was expressed in each family. This is because both of you might reproduce those patterns of woundedness with each other in the years to come. Your being aware of the wounds in your parents (and siblings), as well as your own woundedness from these, may help both of you from inadvertently passing those wounds onto each other. Each of you forgiving family members for giving you wounds should help in this regard. I wish you the best in your upcoming marriage.
