Tagged: “resentment”

I am not in favor of focusing only on behavior and then saying, “What the person did was bad.”  No.  There are bad people and we can truly say, “This is a bad person.”  Do you agree?

I would agree with the following:  Humans, unlike any other primates, have a free will. This unique characteristic allows us to make choices that can affect our very humanity.  Given this premise that we all have free will, and given the further premise that our choices can affect our humanity, it then follows that we can grow in our humanity, growing toward the greater good.  If this is the case, then, through our free will choices, we can either grow in our humanity (toward the good of justice, courage, wisdom, temperance, forgiveness, and agape love in service to others) or diminish in our humanity (toward treating others as objects, cowardice, deliberately bad choices, greatly excessive behaviors, hatred, and selfishness).  I would avoid the term “bad person.”  Why?  It is because a diminished humanity, forged by a free will of bad choices, always can be reversed by that very same free will that diminished the person’s true humanity (the goodness mentioned above).  If we say someone is a “bad person” this is too permanent a label, given the free will possibility of reversing the choices that led to the stereotype of others calling the person “bad.”

For additional information, see Why Forgive?  

How can forgiving make you just turn your back on the past as if it no longer exists, yet it still constantly haunts you?

Forgiveness does not ask you to “turn your back on the past.”  When we forgive, we remember, but we remember in new ways rather than re-living all of the grim details that caused us pain.  For example, when you forgive, you see the one who hurt you as emotionally wounded (if this is true).  You see the other’s vulnerability.  This helps to reduce the pain as you recall what happened.  Also, as you forgive, you likely will not be re-living that event as often as you did before forgiving.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.

My friend has anger. He seems to have a pattern of distracting himself whenever he has a resurgence of his anger. In other words, he buries himself in computer games, has fun, and the anger subsides. Yet, that anger never seems to leave. He can get all hot-under-the-collar, as they say, and have temper tantrums. So, is the method of distraction ok or not?

The method of distraction as a coping mechanism for deep anger only is a short-term solution.  In other words, distraction masks the anger for a while, but it does not cure the anger. Have you talked with your friend about what is bothering him? If it is an injustice from another person or persons, perhaps it is time to consider forgiving. This may not eliminate all of his anger, but it should reduce it to more manageable levels.

For additional information, see Why Forgive? 

Is it ever too late to forgive? My dad has been angry with his own father now for decades. This anger has become part of his identity, part of who he is. I am worried that he never will be able to forgive and find peace.

You make a good point about anger sometimes becoming part of one’s identity. Also, at times people are fearful of confronting their own anger because they fear an inability to be rid of this. Yet, once a person realizes that forgiveness is a kind of safety net for the unhealthy anger, they tend to go ahead with forgiveness because they have more confidence in their ability to eliminate this excessive anger.

Also, with regard to the theme of identity, people can transform their identity, from resentful persons to persons who are caring and who do not let others’ injustices define who they are. If you see receptivity in your father regarding forgiveness, you might want to talk to him about these two themes: a) forgiving is a safety net for his anger and thus that anger will not overwhelm him if he starts to look at his own father’s behavior; and, b) his identity might change in a positive way.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.

I hate to admit it, but I have been hating someone for years. How long now will it take me to forgive? I want it all wrapped up this week.

Please do not think of forgiving as a kind of pill one takes for a headache. You do not take a forgiveness pill and then wait a little while for complete relief. Forgiveness, instead, is a process, a challenging process, that takes time to develop. We find that the more severe the injustice against a person, then the longer it may take to forgive. If you work at it, we find that people tend to feel some relief in about 12 weeks; others still may take much longer, but even in this longer process, you might sense that your anger is diminishing, which can motivate you to keep at the forgiveness process. Anger is not necessarily entirely eliminated when a person forgives, but hatred (very deep and abiding anger) does tend to diminish. I am encouraged that you are considering forgiving even with hatred in your heart. This, to me, is a good sign that you will make progress in your forgiving.