Tagged: “resentment”
I recently discovered that my wife of 17 years had two affairs in the last 3 years. She would like to reconcile. I came to believe that I should extend compassion to all beings, including my wife, and I would like to forgive her. However, I am not sure I want to take the next step and reconcile. I understand that we are human and everybody makes mistakes, but I feel that I deserve to be respected and treated much better. I think I am respected and treated very well by everybody I know (friends, family, my kids, and my colleagues), except my wife. I also suspect that our values, commitment to truth, and view of morality are very different. I feel that I have to extend compassion to myself as well, and this means that I cannot reconcile. Is this way of thinking a sign that I have not yet forgiven?
Because forgiving and reconciling are not the same, it is possible that you have begun to forgive even if you end up not reconciling. At the same time, your discovery of the affairs is “recent.” Thus, you may still be quite angry and not yet forgiving. I recommend that you take some time to assess your current level of anger toward your wife. If you currently are very angry, this could be clouding your decision regarding to reconcile or not. In other words, you may need some time to process that anger, begin the forgiveness process so that the anger diminishes, and only then ask the important question about reconciliation. If you think that your wife does not share your own sense of morals, this is worth a deep discussion with her prior to making a decision about whether to reconcile. I wish you the best as you work through this challenging issue.
Do you think that anger can be addictive?
If by addictive you mean the person falls into a pattern that is hard to break, then the answer is yes. People can fall into behaviors that involve temper, harsh language, and an adrenaline rush. People who have this pattern can be helped by seeing what in the past has led to an original anger. If it is an injustice, then forgiveness is appropriate. Next, the person needs to examine any sense of entitlement or even narcissism that fuels the anger and keeps it going. After that, the person needs to examine courageously who has been hurt by the anger-pattern and seek forgiveness from those who have been hurt by the pattern.
Learn more at Learning to Forgive Others.
I have forgiven someone who betrayed me and hurt me deeply. My attitude toward the person now is good. Yet, I have fear of this person. What else can I do to move more deeply in forgiveness?
It seems to me that the issue now is not so much forgiveness as it is reconciliation. Your fear likely is the result of a lack of trust toward the person because of the betrayal. Reconciliation has to be earned. Have you talked with the person and has this person understood the offense and now is willing to change? You need to build some confidence in this person’s behavior and this will come if the person begins to behave in a way as to earn your trust.
Learn more at What Forgiveness Is Not.
After 50 Years of “Living as an Angry Person,” Forgiveness Brings Peace
WIBC-FM, Indianapolis, Indiana, USA – Although she is known around the world for forgiving the Nazis who tortured her during World War II, Eva Mozes Kor reveals in a newly-released film that she lived for nearly 50 years as an angry person before learning to forgive.
“I was very angry with many people. I was in a lot of pain,” said Kor as she reflected on her life and how uncomfortable she was baring her soul for the documentary “Eva” that was released in April.
“Forgive your worst enemies. It will heal your soul and it will set you free,” Kor says in the new film narrated by Ed Asner. It documents Kor’s life, her travels and struggles and how she became the person who was able to forgive the individuals who committed atrocities on her, and who killed her family and millions of other people.
Kor and her sister Miriam were the only survivors in their entire family and that was because they were twins who were separated from the others by the Nazis. Josef Mengele, a Nazi doctor, was fascinated with twins and performed experiments on Kor and her sister among others. The lingering effects are believed to be what killed her sister in 1992.
The Holocaust (in Hebrew, “Ḥurban” meaning “destruction”), was the systematic state-sponsored killing of six million Jewish men, women, and children and millions of others by Nazi Germany and its collaborators during World War II. The Germans called this “the final solution to the Jewish question.”
Even before the Nazis came to power in Germany in 1933, they had made no secret of their desire to eliminate all Jews. As early as 1919, had written, “Rational anti-Semitism (discrimination against the Jews), must lead to systematic legal opposition.…Its final objective must unswervingly be the removal of the Jews altogether.”
In his political manifesto, Mein Kampf (“My Struggle”), Hitler further developed the idea of the Jews as an evil race struggling for world domination. Nazi racial ideology characterized the Jews as “subhumans” and “parasites” while the Aryans (Germans) were the “genius” race. Ultimately, the logic of Nazi racial anti-Semitism led to annihilation of millions of Jews.
- Watch the official “Eva” movie trailer (2:08).
- Listen to an Eva Kor interview about the new movie (9:54).
- Hear from other Holocaust survivors in this University of Michigan-Dearborn Holocaust Survivor Oral History Project.
- Learn more about the horrific History of the Holocaust from this comprehensive report in Encyclopedia Britannica.
Read previous posts on this website about Eva Mozes Kor:
- A Feb. 27, 2018 guest blog by Eva Mozes Kor written especially for this website.
- Eva Mozes Kor: “Let’s heal the world through forgiveness” – March 6, 2018
- Some Auschwitz Survivors Disagree with Eva Mozes Kor – May 6, 2015
- Nothing Good Ever Comes from Anger – April 28, 2015
- Forgiveness as Freedom – March 17, 2012
Can you give me one example of how an attempt at forgiving can be immoral or inappropriate?
Forgiving in its essence is never immoral because it is part of the moral good of this world. When you offer unconditional kindness and even love to someone who hurt you, while protecting yourself against further wrong, this is goodness itself. Yet, when a person does not fully understand what forgiveness is, it is this distorted notion of forgiveness that can be inappropriate. An example is using the act of forgiving to exert power over the other. The “forgiver” might constantly remind the other of his or her offense and how hard and noble it is to forgive. This, of course, is not forgiveness at all but a distortion of it.
Learn more at What Is Forgiveness.
