Tagged: “The Forgiving Life”

A Tribute to Our Director

For those of you who have read the International Forgiveness Institute’s newsletters, news items, blogs, and other features on our website, you have our long-time Director, Dennis Blang, to thank for that. He has tirelessly shown a love for the moral virtue of forgiveness.  He has long shown the moral virtue of perseverance as he has worked to constantly improve the website for the sake of those who want to know more about forgiveness and to make a better world.

It was Mr. Blang who contracted with web developers to constantly improve the site.  Over the years he added the Research page, the forgiveness curriculum page, the videos from three different international conferences, the research scales page with free forgiveness instruments for all who are interested, and much more.  There are close to 3,000 entries in what is the most comprehensive forgiveness website in the virtual world.  For his efforts, this website was awarded The Best Websites of 2022 by The Good Estate, a multi-thematic review website where users can find high quality information about all kinds of digital and physical products. TheGoodEstate is a project of Global Commerce Media. 

It was Mr. Blang who oversaw the development of our online education course, Forgiveness Therapy, and encouraged students as they moved forward in the book.  I always was so impressed with the care he would take with each student, answering questions and clarifying correct answers when a student would inquire about the right answer.

I have been amazed at his breadth of knowledge about the state-of-the-art in the world regarding forgiveness.  He frequently would pass news items and journal articles my way, asking if I had seen them.  In the vast majority of cases, these were hidden gems worthy of our time and he was the first to find them, write about them, and then post information on them for you, the readers.

His care for the donors, who so wonderfully support the spread of forgiveness across the world, shows his love for forgiveness and his deep respect and appreciation for those who give of their own provisions for good.  His emails to them always are sincere, supportive, and special.

His care for those who have taken the time to write to us is equally noteworthy.  Those emails come to us from all over the world.  Some people write in because they are hurting and need care.  Mr. Blang has taken the time to care for them as he has suggested resources and professionals who can aid each one in their healing.  He has treated each person as special, unique, and irreplaceable, giving the time and attention that each one needs.  Only someone who has a love for forgiveness and a love for hurting people could sustain such an effort.  Thank you for your caring, Mr. Blang.

Dennis Blang has been a gift to the world of forgiveness and for that I am deeply grateful.  He now will be retiring, opening up new chapters in his life with his wife, Carol.  We at the International Forgiveness Institute want to thank Mr. Blang for being a champion of forgiveness.  Without him, we would not be as far down the road of forgiveness as we are now.  Thank you so very much, Mr. Blang.  Your work has been invaluable and we appreciate you perhaps even more than you realize.

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What is more important, justice or forgiveness?

I do not think you should choose between them.  Plato placed justice at the top of the moral virtue hierarchy in this book, The Republic.  I think agape love (in service to others even when it is painful to do so) is the highest because it includes being just to others and forgiving others.  We need both justice and forgiveness under the umbrella of agape to have the best world and in the case of justice and forgiveness, the best of both worlds of these virtues.

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Perseverance as the Missing Piece to Family, School, and Community Forgiveness

Having studied the psychology of forgiveness since 1985 and having helped plant forgiveness education in schools since 2002, I have come to realize that there is another moral virtue that needs to exist alongside forgiving if forgiveness is to mature in minds, hearts, and groups.  That virtue is perseverance, or the willed decision and action to keep going despite challenges and to not get distracted by other issues.  In the ethical treatise, Virtues and Vices (attributed to Aristotle, but possibly written by one of his followers), the virtue of perseverance or endurance is said to exist alongside the virtue of courage and daring.  I would add that perseverance will be a moral virtue as long as it is connected to both wisdom and justice (as well as courage) because it is good only if the goal to which people are dedicating a good part of their lives is fair and reasonable.  Persevering in bank robbery, for example, is vice not virtuous.

Perseverance is rarely discussed in modern society as we play with our gadgets and move from one forum to another.  This kind of quick movement is part of what the 17th century French philosopher, Blaise Pascal, in his masterful work, Pensées, refers to as diversion.  He challenged readers by saying that most people cannot endure even one hour alone in their own room without seeking new diversions.  If this was the case over four centuries ago, how much more might diversion be weakening our ability to engage in the moral virtue of perseverance now?

In an earlier blog, I related an interaction with Mr. Brian McParland of St. Vincent de Paul Primary School in Belfast, Northern Ireland in the fall semester of 2002.  Upon approving forgiveness education in his school, he told me that I would last only 3 years at this task because that is all the time anyone ever seems to give to new classroom initiatives.  In other words, people do not persevere.  I have seen the same in local groups that start forgiveness education programs with adults only to have them fade over time.  Yet, as Aristotle reminds us, and challenges us, it takes time to grow deeply in the moral virtues.  We do not become proficient in any moral virtue by giving it a try for a little while any more than we become physically fit by hitting the gym for a month and then going back to the couch and the potato chips.  It takes time and effort to become forgivingly fit.  It takes time to grow in the moral virtue of perseverance.

So, it seems to me that the first step in growing intra-personally in forgiveness, in aiding families and schools and local community organizations to grow in forgiveness is to openly and boldly and persistently discuss perseverance and the serious challenge all people face as they say, “Let’s hit the forgiveness gym!”  Without perseverance, we lose our forgiving fitness very soon.

Image by StockSnap.io/Caleb Woods

How much perseverance do we need to change the world?  It seems to me that we need to introduce students to forgiveness, without forcing them to forgive, from age 4 to age 18.  It seems to me that we need two generations, about 40 years, of forgiveness in communities to change those communities and to change community-to-community conflicts, even brutal conflicts that seem at present to have no end in sight.  Forty years?  Forty years when there will be new distractions, new shiny diversions?  Yes, and it is the teamwork of forgiveness and perseverance, and leaders who will take over for other leaders, that will win in the peace movement.  This combination of forgiveness and perseverance never has been tried anywhere in the world at any time in human history.  It is time.

With perseverance, we might just be able to bring forgiveness for good to a deeply wounded world.  Long live perseverance!  Long live forgiveness!

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Although I value and try to forgive and mean well to those who harm me, I feel like that alone does not fix my wrecked inner world (lost trust, cynicism, depression). I can try my best to mean well, but that does not mean anyone else will. Does this mean I need more than forgiveness to heal?

You show insight in saying that forgiveness alone will not heal all of the lost trust, cynicism, and even psychological depression. This is the case because forgiveness does not necessarily alter the quality of your relationships.  Forgiveness makes possible a change in relationships because you are offering the hand of peace, offering a second chance to those who acted unfairly.  Yet, some people will continue to act badly toward us.  So, we may have an unsatisfying relationship that damages trust toward that person or increases cynicism toward that person. This is a problem of a failure to reconcile and if this is the case for you, then you might ask the person to correct the unfairness.  The person may not comply.  In such a case, please note that in your forgiving, you have done the best that you can.  Also, please keep in mind that you now, in forgiving, have a way of reducing excessive anger toward particular people which can be a protection in future relationships.  In other words, you need not generalize the mistrust to all people.  Some may accept your kindness and even if they do not, you can be free of toxic anger even if disappointment or sadness or even cynicism toward a particular person remains. 
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What does love have to do with it?  Do you really think that to forgive, we have to love the one who was brutal to us?

We have to make a very important distinction between what Aristotle calls the Essence of any construct and its Existence.  The Essence defines its purest form.  Existence is how we actually deal with this construct in the real world.  The highest or purest form of forgiving is to love those who do not love you.  This is its Essence, for which we have a possible goal.  In reality, in Existence, this is not always possible for us.  The legendary coach of the Green Bay Packers football team, Vince Lombardi, once said, “…..if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.”  So, we should be aware of the Essence of forgiveness so that, even if unattainable in some cases, we can reach a higher sense of forgiveness, an excellence of forgiving such as genuine respect toward the other, that might not have been possible otherwise.
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