Archive for December, 2023
My friend feels that I’ve hurt her feelings by something that I said. I’m not on board. In other words, I have carefully examined the situation and I truly think that I said nothing egregious, nothing wrong, not even with my tone of voice. Now, she is requesting an apology. She’s threatening to permanently leave my life if I don’t agree. In spite of this conflict, I would rather that not occur. How should I proceed? I really don’t think that I should apologize, given I did no wrong, but should I still?
Choosing between friendship and the truth is a big decision. I advise you to select both. “I am sorry that you were hurt by what I said [then specify the issue],” is how I would honestly address the situation if I were in your shoes.
I’m assuming you wish, whatever it was she believes you did to her, didn’t hurt her. You would be acknowledging this. . You’re not expressing regret for a supposed injustice that you say you did not commit.
It is kind of like some people are on repeat. They keep proclaiming that to forgive is a sign of weakness. How would you respond to that?
Here is an excerpt from my book, The Forgiving Life, that addresses this question:
“Many people are hesitant, even afraid, to forgive because they fear that the other will take advantage of them. Forgiveness is for wimps, I have heard many times. Yet, is that true? Is the offer of goodness, true goodness, extended from a position of your own pain, ever done in weakness? How can one offer goodness through a position of pain and see it as weak? And see the giver of this goodness as weak? My point is this: We all may need to delve more deeply into what forgiveness is so that we can make the best decisions possible for ourselves, for our loved ones, and for the ones who hurt us.”
Excerpt from Chapter 3 of The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love by Dr. Robert Enright.
What happens if I repeatedly extend kindness and forgiveness to someone and the person chooses not to accept it? I feel like this is an opportunity for the other to exploit me. It’s also a chance for me to exhaust myself by being kind without expecting anything in return from the other. How do you respond to my ideas?
Your question is important because, barring some crucial clarifications, you might exhaust yourself and it wouldn’t be true forgiveness. Let’s talk about the situation first—you offering forgiveness and the other refusing it. Assume you were practicing the virtue of justice rather than forgiveness, and whenever you treat someone fairly, this person responds unfairly to you. Would you cease to be just because of this? Would you, for instance, begin to act unfairly? No, you would not give up on the moral virtue of justice. Why? Being fair, even when others are not, is good in and of itself. The same holds true when forgiving someone. Even in the face of unmerciful actions from other people all around us, your showing mercy is a good thing in and of itself.
Moving on to the second point: exhausting oneself. It is possible to forgive someone from a distance without having to make amends if the person consistently takes advantage of you. Put another way, extend forgiveness, but afterward, give serious thought to what is fair and reasonable to bring both of you back together again.
When “forgiveness” is not forgiveness
We recently did an Internet search in which we typed in the term “forgiveness in the news.” On the first page there were 13 entries. Of those 13, 12 were about “student loan forgiveness.” This is a term that has been used for years within the media. We at the International Forgiveness Institute would like to clarify an important issue. “Student loan forgiveness” is not the correct term for the following reasons:
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- To forgive means that the one forgiven has done something morally wrong, but the students did not act unjustly as they engaged in the proper procedures to secure those loans.
- There is a difference between a legal pardon and forgiveness. When there is legal pardon, there is mercy shown, in this case by exonerating the students from paying back the loans or at least part of those loans. Yet, the ones exonerating are not personally hurt by the students and so they are not engaging in forgiving the students.
The proper term would be “student loan pardons.” This would be more accurate and not lead people to inadvertently distort the meaning of the word “forgiveness.”
The Invisible People and Inherent Worth
Have you ever visited people who are in a maximum-security correctional institution? After going through many secured doors, there you are with some people who literally never will walk out of those doors. In one of my visits to such a facility, I sat with 10 men who recently went through a forgiveness program. I was eager to hear about their experience with it. They liked it.
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What struck me the most, actually, was not their kind and positive response to the forgiveness program, but instead was their view of who they are to other people. “Once you are in here, you become invisible,” one man asserted. The others perked up at this point and agreed with the statement. “We are invisible” was the resounding theme.
It seems that this proclaimed idea was deepened by the forgiveness program, in which each man learned about, and thought deeply about, an important tenet of forgiveness: We are all persons of worth, not because of any bad behavior, but despite this. Each man learned this and applied it successfully to those who deeply abused them while they were in childhood or adolescence. Those who hurt them have worth despite the cruelty. This view helped them to forgive and to shed clinical levels of anger, anxiety, and depression.
Despite the encouraging findings of mental health improvement in the men, some people might wonder: Is it possible that the forgiveness program had a negative effect on them? Here is what I mean: By studying the vital idea of the inherent worth of all people, these men might now become sad or angry that others are not necessarily treating them with this kind of built-in worth. In other words, might the forgiveness program have accentuated this negative situation for them, leading now to the view that they are “invisible” to others and further to the view that they definitely should not be treated this way? The contrast between who they truly are as persons (which is persons of worth) and how they are viewed and treated by others might have become more clear because of the forgiveness program. Yet, I do not see this as a negative for the following four reasons.
First, the forgiveness program did not create the awareness that they are “invisible.” It may have clarified this, but the idea already was in their mind. I say that because, in relating their stories to me, they shared that they were aware of this reality soon after entering the institution. Second, with the forgiveness program, they learned this: Even if people do not treat them as persons of worth, they now can treat themselves as persons of worth. Third, they now have the tool, forgiveness, to forgive those who treat them as less worthy than who they really are. Fourth, those who have learned this lesson of forgiveness can now be supports for one another as they show each other this: We are each valuable; we each have built-in worth.
As one example of extending inherent worth to others, one person said this to me: “I am never getting out of prison. Yet, I now have a new purpose which is to help my cell mates learn to forgive.” He developed a new purpose in life after a forgiveness program. He has made a commitment to easing the pain in others……because he sees that they have inherent worth and are worthy of emotional healing from what they have suffered in the past.
We need to widen our view of those in corrections. What can we do so that we see their inherent worth? What can we do to communicate this to them, without the error of extremism by falsely claiming that, because of this worth, they now can be fully trusted outside these walls and should be unconditionally released? In other words, we do not want to make the philosophical error of equating worth with unmitigated trust and therefore call for the release of all in correctional facilities that actually might keep others safe.
Being “invisible” is hard. Knowing deep down that one has infinite worth, despite this treatment by others of being ignored, can protect people from the lie that they have no value. Forgiveness can restore a person’s sense of value even when others look away.
