Archive for January, 2025
Forgiving Infidelity Is Not Easy
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In another recent post (December 17, 2024) on infidelity within a committed relationship, this time on chafai (https://chatfai.com/notes/she-forgave-him-18uvta), Hilary hahn (the last name is not capitalized in the post) goes back and forth on the theme of forgiveness. In her case, the emotional wounds still are very fresh because, in her words, “It’s been a few days since that incident…..” She courageously states that she is in stunned disbelief. Forgiving him “feels like an insurmountable task.” Near the end of the post, she is hoping that in the future she “will look back on this moment as a turning point, a moment where compassion triumphed over hatred, and love conquered all.” This is a very noble statement, given the freshness of her emotional wounds.
How did you come up with the Process Model of Forgiveness?
Our little group read case study descriptions of forgiveness and consulted with people who said they had forgiven. We asked them for feedback on their forgiveness journeys. The Process Model underwent some revisions as we continued to talk with people and to work with some on their forgiveness. Eventually, our final version of the Process Model of Forgiveness emerged, and we tested its validity through randomized experimental and control group research studies.
Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it seems that we are obligated in families and societies to offer our forgiving whenever we are treated unjustly by others. What do you think?
Philosophers make a distinction between obligatory moral virtues and those that are deemed as supererogatory, which are not required in societies. As an example of an obligatory moral virtue, justice must be observed when driving a car. If you decide to run a red light while driving your car, you could get a ticket because stopping under this condition is required. In contrast, the moral virtue of altruism, or giving mercifully to others, is not required. For example, suppose you are in a hurry to attend an important meeting and you pass by a person without a home who asks for money. You don’t have your wallet and you have to hurry. Your not giving the funds will not get you a ticket because the giving is optional in all societies that I know. Forgiveness is similar. If you are very angry about an injustice that just happened, you may not be ready to forgive. You will not get a ticket for this because forgiveness is your choice to offer when you are ready.
Forgiving Infidelity in a Marriage
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In an August 12, 2024, post on MentalHealth.com, Dana Vince reports on a married couple, Toby and Shannon, who overcame a year-long affair that Toby had with an ex-girlfriend from college. What helped was for each of them to see the weaknesses that each brought to that year. For Toby, he opened up about a conflicted family while growing up and being bullied in the past by peers. He brought a feeling of inadequacy into the marriage, and when Shannon began to work long hours, his feelings of inadequacy increased. Shannon, in their time of forgiveness, seeking forgiveness, and reconciliation, began to give more attention to the marriage so that Toby felt more of a sense of commitment on her part and on his. Their exploring weaknesses was not to find excuses for the affair but instead to better understand each other, aid each other in their weaknesses, and increase confidence in the marriage. It worked and they developed a qualitatively better marriage than prior to the challenging year.
Questioning the Ubiquitous Statement, “Forgiveness Is What You Do for Yourself, Not for the Other”
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In perusing the internet lately for news on forgiveness, I was faced at least occasionally with the statement in the title above. More than a few people post this idea that forgiveness is centered on the self and not no the one who behaved unjustly.
Let’s carefully examine this statement about forgiveness for the self and see how it goes.
If forgiveness is for ourselves and not for the one who behaved unjustly, then forgiveness is not one of the moral virtues along with justice, patience, compassion, and love if it is not “for other people.” So what is it? The “for ourselves” statement limits forgiveness to a self-help psychological strategy for emotional healing. It would seem that we are free to ignore, disregard, or show no concern for the people who have wronged us if they are not included in this healing equation. To forgive, then, could be to dismiss.
Such a perspective then takes away the paradox of forgiveness. The paradox is this: As we focus on the other person and strive for empathy, compassion, and a wider view of who this person is beyond the injustice, our own hearts begin to soften toward that other person. As the heart softens, the resentment, which is a nagging and persistent deep anger, begins to lessen. Over time, as we focus this goodness on the other it is we ourselves, as forgivers of the other, who begin to heal. Do you see the very large distinction between focusing on the other with a sense of goodness, which is the essence of forgiveness, and one important consequence of forgiving? The consequence, paradoxically, is that as we strive for goodness expressly toward the other person, it is we as forgivers who heal.
We must not confuse what forgiveness is with a consequence of what forgiveness accomplishes. Forgiveness is what we do in goodness toward the offending person. An important consequence of such a focus on the other is that we experience emotional healing.
