Archive for February, 2025
Forgiveness strikes me as illegitimate. Here I am angry with a person, and so I start acting toward him as if all is well. That seems phony to me.
You are misunderstanding what forgiveness is. It is not about only actions toward the person at whom you are angry. Forgiveness is a more holistic moral virtue than this in that it includes a transformation toward more positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward that person. When you act in a forgiving way, the more holistic approach includes both a softened heart with compassion as well as thoughts toward the person as someone of worth, not because of what was done but in spite of this. The behavior toward that person then includes these feelings and thoughts so that the behavior is not superficial or, as you say, phony.
I am a teacher, and my school is becoming interested in starting forgiveness education from kindergarten through grade 5. We have what are called restorative programs and so I am wondering what is the link between learning to forgive and practicing restorative justice.
Restorative practices tend to focus on dialogue, particularly dialogue in circles. This is a more behavioral approach than forgiveness, which focuses on what I call “the heart.” In other words, people who are angry with each other can dialogue civilly while in the circle, but if the heart is not healed of resentment, that anger can re-emerge once the circle ends for that day. Forgiveness first works on the anger in the heart so that the dialogue then might be more fruitful because the people are talking without deep resentment in the heart. Restorative practices and forgiveness can work very well together. I recommend this: First, work on forgiving those with whom you will dialogue in the circle and then enter the dialogue. It also could work this way: Enter the dialogue, and this could start to soften the heart toward whom you are angry. Then work on the forgiveness process after the circle ends.
Can Murderers Be Forgiven?
Image by Ron Lach, Pexels.com
I recently watched a podcast video in which a prominent world figure, currently involved in inter-country conflict, was asked about the possibility of forgiving the other nation’s leader. The world leader then asked this rhetorical question in response to the host: “Can murderers be forgiven?” It was obvious by his anger that the world leader was saying, “No.” He did not elaborate, which was the end of that particular part of the discussion.
It was apparent that the host saw the possibility of forgiveness between the two leaders as one path to peace. Yet, if the leader sees the other as a murderer, then it follows that he is shutting the door on this possibility.
The question by the host was a serious one that might open the door, even a little, to peace. Can murderers be forgiven? If we look at the history of forgiveness, we see that the answer is a definite “yes” because those who are “murderers” can be and have been forgiven by others in the past. Here are two examples:
Marietta Jaeger lost her daughter Suzy to a kidnapping and murder when her family was on vacation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OFMx9kIems). At first, she said that she was so angry that she could have killed him and with a big smile on her face. Yet, as the weeks dragged on, she saw the stress and anger tearing her family apart. It was then that she decided to forgive the murderer, even though she had no idea who this was. She wished the person well and prayed for the person’s well-being. When the murderer called Marietta on the first anniversary of his kidnapping Suzy, Marietta expressed concern for him. Her kindness so took him aback that he stayed on the phone for over an hour, sufficient time for the law enforcement officials to trace the call, find, and arrest him.
The second example is by Eva Mozes Kor, who forgave “Dr.” Mengele for his abhorrent medical experiments on the twins of Auschwitz during World War II (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdgPAetNY5U). Because of such unethical practices by Mengele, Eva’s twin sister, Miriam, passed away prematurely from kidney failure. Despite some of Eva’s colleagues disapproving of her decision, she forgave Mengele and the Nazis “in my name only” as a way to be free of the resentment that could have been with her for the rest of her life.
In neither case did Marietta nor Eva abandon the quest for justice. Forgiveness and justice existed side-by-side. By this I mean that Marietta certainly would not want the one who murdered Suzy to be on the streets to take the lives of others. Eva was forgiving once she was free from concentration camp and the Nazis were utterly defeated.
Can murderers be forgiven? Yes, and they have. If the leader, who used this question as a rhetorical retort to the podcast host, is open to justice and forgiveness together in the future, as Marietta and Eva have shown is possible, might his fellow citizens and he be able to take a first step of peace in his region of the world? This is no rhetorical question, but one that might in the future save lives. I say this because negotiations with hatred in the heart are less likely to lead to satisfying and stable outcomes than when the heart is at peace and offers that peace to the other.
Why do you think some people forgive easily while most of us have to struggle with the process?
The philosopher Aristotle reminded us that as people practice any moral virtue, then they become more developmentally advanced in it. Therefore, as people tend to practice forgiveness more regularly, they are ready to forgive the next time injustices emerge. Yet, we need to keep in mind that even the well-practiced people can struggle to forgive others for a new injustice if that unfairness is deeply unfair. Even when a grave injustice challenges the well-practiced people, they are likely to move through the forgiveness process more quickly and more deeply than people who are new at forgiving.
I would like to explore self-forgiveness. Do you have a recommended reading for me?
I recommend my book 8 Keys to Forgiveness (2015) published by Norton and available on amazon.com. One of the 8 keys is self-forgiveness. The chapter discusses the controversies about forgiving the self and how to go about engaging in self-forgiveness.
