Archive for May, 2026
I am aware of a weakness of mine. I am a bit too quick to go back to a relationship that was hurtful. In other words, I don’t think I have a great grasp of reconciliation. Can you provide me with some cautions as I reflect on this vital concept of reconciliation?
Here are three cautions for you:
- If you reconcile too quickly without the other showing any remorse, repentance, or recompense, then this could be a false reconciliation in which you may be hurt again in the same way.
- Please do not think of forgiving and reconciling as the same. You can forgive from the heart, but then not reconcile if the other continues to be a danger to you. If you equate the two, then as you forgive, you may feel a false obligation to reconcile.
- If you are still angry and unforgiving, you might, without realizing it, use reconciliation as a weapon: you come together in a superficial way, then keep reminding the other how bad he/she has been and how good you have been. This is why forgiveness must precede deep reconciliation.
When on my forgiveness journey, I can get tired and want to stop. At such times, I can get discouraged and don’t necessarily like myself because I am not persevering. Not crossing the finish line of forgiveness. Can you help me gain some perspective on this?
You have an assumption which I would like to gently challenge. Just because you have changed your mind and have ceased for now to forgive does not mean that you are not engaged in the forgiveness process. Sometimes that process leads us to taking much-needed breaks.
Forgiveness is hard work and so when you need a break, please do so without guilt.
Think of it this way. Suppose you are on a cross-country bike ride, which will take you many days to complete. After the first day, when you put your bicycle away and go to bed for the night, have you ceased to be on the journey? The answer, of course, is no, you have not ceased. You simply are on a particular phase of the journey that requires rest.
Think of forgiveness this way, too. It is not a sprint to the finish line. Instead, forgiveness is a process, a journey that takes time, and during that time, we rest. It is your choice. Resist the pressure to be constantly vigilant in your forgiving. Giving yourself permission to back off, rest, and then begin again will likely bring greater joy on the journey for you.
I left a relationship in which I experienced continued abuse. Now that I am out of this challenging relationship, guess who I am blaming for the breakup? Right…..me! Help!
I recommend that you make this important distinction: Did you fail in the relationship or did the one who abused you cause that failure? For instance, if the other stopped the abuse and you were able to trust, would you have left the relationship? I think the answer is no, you would not have left the relationship. My point is this: You tried, but the other did not make it possible for you to continue with the relationship. You did not fail, and I urge you to say this to yourself so that you can stand in the truth that you did what you could. You can view an essay I recently published on the Psychology Today website on this topic: How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Your Partner Is Abusive.
I have a deep interest in helping those with addictions, particularly to drugs. Do you have knowledge of any forgiveness research that addresses this issue?
Yes, and we have a randomized experimental and control study to show this. We chose a challenging group, those who were court-ordered to residential drug rehabilitation. We did two sessions a week with the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, for 6 weeks. After the forgiveness sessions, the participants went from clinically depressed to non-depressed, and their cravings for drugs diminished statistically significantly relative to the control group. In contrast, those in the drug-treatment program as usual (the control group) went down in depression, but they remained clinically depressed. Here is the reference to that research:
Lin, W.F., Mack, D., Enright, R.D., Krahn, D., & Baskin, T. (2004). Effects of forgiveness therapy on anger, mood, and vulnerability to substance use among inpatient substance-dependent clients. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(6), 1114-1121.
The Forgiving Heart: Cultivating Compassion
Tina Simakova, Pexels.com
At times, scholars who study forgiveness use a term called “decisional forgiveness.” It refers more to the mind than the heart as the person thinks about forgiveness and commits to reducing anger and increasing mercy toward those who have been unfair. While thinking about forgiveness is important, it is reductionistic to define forgiveness, which is a moral virtue (Song, Enright, & Kim, 2025), primarily as a cognitive activity. This is the case because any moral virtue is much broader than that, including thinking, behaving, and feeling toward the one who acted unjustly.
The purpose of this essay is to focus on forgiveness from the heart, from one’s feelings as a vital part of the forgiveness process. As you cultivate a more holistic view and practice of forgiveness that goes beyond decision-making, you may find a deeper and more satisfying way to respond to those who have hurt you. Consider seven exercises to strengthen the forgiving heart.
1. What Exactly Is Compassion?
In this first exercise, we will be somewhat philosophical. The point is to understand compassion deeply enough so that you can define what it is. Compassion includes the emotion of caring for others who are in need, for example, due to unfortunate decisions or unexpected life circumstances that engender suffering. Compassion is a softening of the heart toward others, including a willingness to suffer with the other. When we forgive with compassion, we move from a wounded heart to a softened heart. It is distinguished from reconciliation, which includes mutual trust and a behavioral coming together. Aristotle connected compassion to the moral virtue of kindness toward others. Compassion can stir the heart to action, or helping those in need.
2. Don’t Start with Forgiveness, but Start with a Little Compassion
In this exercise, the point is not to apply a sense of compassion toward those who have been cruel to you. Instead, let us step back from all this hurt and turn to a time when one person unconditionally showed you compassion. Maybe this happened when you were a child, fell and hurt yourself, and your mother embraced you, comforting and protecting you. This is compassion toward you. Take some time to think of one such incident and reflect upon it, letting it abide in your heart. Stay with this image until you can truly say, “Yes, this experience convinces me that I have been the recipient of others’ compassion.”
3. When Have You Been a Giver of Compassion?
The point of exercise 3 again is not to apply this directly toward those who offended you. Now, please think of a time in which you (not someone else) exercised compassion toward someone who needed your help. Maybe it was spending much time with a friend who was grieving. Maybe it was helping a neighbor or co-worker under pressure and needed someone to rely on, who was you. When did you serve another person by exercising this compassion? Let this abide in your heart. Stay with this image until you can truly say, “Yes, this experience convinces me that I can be compassionate in this way.”
4. Without Turning Yet to Compassion, Now Bring the One Who Hurt You into Your Awareness.
We start not with the heart, but with the mind. Can you think of any time in which the one who hurt you was so wounded that those wounds were passed to you? I do not ask so that you can excuse what the other person did. Instead, the point is to understand the person better, as this someone who has gone through pain. Who is this person? Is this someone who has been carrying wounds from others, even for years? What might it be like for this person, deep inside, with such a wounded heart? As you engage in this exercise, can you sense that your heart is moving, even if slowly, from an entrenched anger or a deep resentment to, perhaps, a different form of feeling? Might you be shifting from resentment to mourning about what happened to you? Might your heart be shifting from anger toward sadness toward the other for what was endured by this person?
5. Take Some Time to Put All of This Together.
Take some time to understand that: a) You understand compassion; b) you have experienced compassion from another or others; c) you see clearly that you have offered compassion to others; and d) you see the one who hurt you as hurting. Who are you as a person? Who are you, given that you have experienced the giving and receiving of compassion in your life? You are more than your wounds. Take some time to reflect on this.
6. Take the Compassion Test Before Applying It to the Offending Person.
I will give you six questions here. Please answer yes or no and defend your answers. Question 1: Is it reasonable to try to feel another’s pain and serve this person even if it is difficult for you to do so? Why or why not? Question 2: Can compassion build you up in your own humanity? Why or why not? Question 3: Can compassion refresh you, the one who was cruel to you, and others with whom you frequently interact? Why or why not? Question 4: Can compassion, practiced over time, help to heal a wounded heart? Why or why not? Question 5: Do you want to live a life with more compassion? Why or why not?
7. Now, Put the Pieces of Compassion Together, a Little at a Time, Toward the One Who Hurt You.
When you are ready, first cultivate that sense of receiving compassion and being compassionate toward others into your heart from Exercises 1 and 2 above. With that softness now in your heart, ask yourself this: Can I extend this compassion, even a little bit, toward the one who was cruel to me? How might this aid the person in growing in humanity? How might it help me and our potential renewed relationship? Take your time here. Be aware of small but important transformations in your heart. Be aware of the positive change in yourself when you ask: Who am I, truly, as a person, and what do I want to leave behind as my legacy when I leave this world?
Conclusion
In the end, you have a choice. You can forgive with a sense of being respectful toward the other and not bring compassion into the process if you are not ready. Be aware of your readiness to extend your compassion toward those who are not good to you. As you decide to include compassion in your forgiveness process, you are exercising forgiveness more deeply, perhaps than ever before. The outcome might be a surprising joy that you receive as you practice forgiveness from the heart.
Reference: Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within the science of forgiveness: The dangers of avoiding philosophical analyses. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 3-24.
