Author Archive: directorifi

It seems to me that when we forgive a lot, then we are actually growing in our humanity. Is there such a thing as growing in our humanity and is forgiveness a pathway to this?

According to Plato and Aristotle, as we grow in the virtues of justice, courage, temperance, and wisdom, then we are growing in our essence of what it means to be human. So, yes, I do think that we can grow in our humanity. Further, I do think that forgiveness helps us grow in our humanity because it melts our resentment, making justice even more fair, allowing for more courage rather than fear, balancing our emotions so we can be more temperate, and when we are free of resentment, then we have the opportunity to have more wisdom or to know the proper way of responding to different situations, even challenging situations.

As a follow-up to my question about growing in our humanity when we forgive, do you think that our forgiving others can help them grow in their humanity?

The philosophy of virtue-ethics has as one of its major premises that all people have free will. This is the case because, without our free choices in life, we cannot willingly decide, for example, to be just or fair to others. When you forgive someone for unjust behavior, you are giving that person the opportunity to examine that behavior and to change. Yet, because of the premise of free will, it now is up to that person how to grow in fairness. The person will need insight (I did wrong), have inner sorrow (remorse), apologize (repent), and amend the ways that are unfair. Your forgiving will not automatically lead to all of this, but again, you are offering an important opportunity in that direction for the one who offended.

I have anger left over after having gone though your forgiveness process. Does this mean that I have not forgiven?

The answer depends on how much anger you still have.  As you know, when a person has a sports injury and seeks medical help, there often is a chart in the doctor’s office with a 1-to-10 scale showing different levels of pain and the patient’s task is to place a number on the pain. I now ask you to take that 1-to-10 chart and turn it into a measure of anger.  How much anger is in your heart, most of the time, when you think back to the person who hurt you? Let us say that 1 equals very minimal anger and 10 equals almost unbearable anger.  Where do you place your anger on this 1-to-10 scale?  If the level of anger is in the 1-4 range this is quite typical. Many people do have some residual anger left over after they have forgiven.

In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you talk about finding meaning in suffering. You talk about growing beyond yourself. What does this mean?

When people find meaning in suffering they often develop a deeper sense of what it means to be a person.  You may begin to see, for example, that your suffering has shown you that all people suffer, all people are emotionally wounded to one degree or another.  You begin to realize that your suffering is making you a more sensitive person to other people.  In other words, your world expands as you see humanity more deeply.

I was hurt in a 5-year relationship and now I am hesitant to get into any other relationship. Does this lack of courage on my part suggest that I have not forgiven the one who hurt me?

The issue here seems to be one of a lack of trust.  You may or may not have forgiven the one with whom you were in a relationship for the 5 years.  Even if you have completely forgiven, you still may lack trust and this is not a sign of unforgiveness.  It is a sign that you know hurt is possible when you commit to others.  Forgiveness can help with taking the risk and at the same time your using common sense in the new relationship, along with sincere acts of trustworthiness by the other, should help to slowly create a trust with the new person

Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.