Author Archive: directorifi

Our Theory of Forgiveness

July 25, 2018 directorifi No comments

Our Theory of Forgiveness: Excerpt from Chapter 1 of The Forgiving Life (APA Books, 2012)

Our theory starts with the premise that all people need to both give and receive love to be healthy and to have psychologically healthy families and communities. I am not alone in this view when we study the ancient literature, going back to the formation of the Hebrew nation, thousands of years ago, with the command to love one’s neighbor as oneself. I am not alone when we turn to modern-day heroes such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, or Mother Teresa. Unconditionally loving others, despite their blemishes and faults, was at the heart of their message.

I am not alone in this view when we consult modern philosophy, in which Gene Outka has shown the centrality of love for morally good human interaction. I am not alone in this view of the primacy of love when we examine the earliest roots of psychology, going back over a century to the pioneering work of the psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freud, who made the famous statement that each person’s purpose is to work and to love if genuine mental health will result, a theme which continues to resonate with psychoanalysts in the 21^st century. Contemporary social scientists such as Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon make the compelling biological case that love is at the central core of who we are as humans.[1] I continue not to be alone in this view when I ask people of good common sense about what is of the utmost importance to them.

All people require love, both the giving and the receiving of love; this is not an option. Robert D. Enright

On this issue, people who use the method of religious faith to understand the world, some people who use the method of deductive logic and philosophical analysis, some people who use the method of psychoanalysis, and some people who use the method of modern biological and social science are in agreement—The essence of our humanity is to love and be loved.

Robert

Please follow and like us:

Please tell me which theory is used for forgiveness?

July 25, 2018 directorifi No comments

The first chapter of my book, The Forgiving Life, describes our theory, which is based on Aristotelian philosophy with the end point of human existence being agape or service-to-others love.

Please follow and like us:

Lewis Smedes in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, instructed us to “see with new eyes” the one who has offended. I talked with my friends about this idea (of seeing with new eyes) and they thought it was just a game people play on themselves. They say that seeing the offender with new eyes is a way to just let him or her off the hook. Can you offer advice so that I can convince my friends that Smedes’ advice is not just a bad trick we play on ourselves?

July 23, 2018 directorifi No comments

You can see the offending person “with new eyes” and still say that what happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. In other words, you do not reframe the actual situation, but instead reframe who the offending person is. That person is more than the wrong behavior. If your friends see that the behavior continues to be seen as wrong, then perhaps they will see that “seeing with new eyes” is not a trick centered on the behavior itself.

Please follow and like us:

Please give me some advice on how I can keep the love and compassion in my heart for peers who keep repeating offenses over and over, with some of the behaviors getting worse over time.

July 21, 2018 directorifi No comments

This is one of the more difficult aspects of forgiveness. Some people ask me if it is acceptable to just forget about forgiveness altogether under these circumstances. I think it is all the more imperative to keep on persevering in forgiving both for the relationship (if you think it is a good idea to keep it) and for your own well-being. With that said, I recommend that you keep working on the knowledge that the peers possess inherent (built-in) worth regardless of their behavior. This kind of thought is not meant to excuse the behavior but instead to understand the truth that all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable. Struggling to keep this idea in front of you is a first step in keeping the love and compassion in your heart.

Please follow and like us:

Your Unfolding Love Story…..Continued

July 20, 2018 directorifi No comments

In my book, The Forgiving Life, I challenge the reader to start or continue telling his or her life’s story with an emphasis on putting more love in the world. The emphasis is not on romantic love, or what the ancient Greeks called eros. Instead, the emphasis is on service love in which a person strives to support and uplift others. This kind of giving-love, in Greek, is agape.

A major challenge is this: No matter how you have lived your life to this point, you can begin, by your motivations, decisions, and actions today, to put more love in the world. This can give you much more meaning and purpose in your life than perhaps you ever thought possible.

Forgiving others can be part of your Unfolding Love Story. In the name of goodness, is there someone at whom you have annoyance or perhaps deep anger? Your forgiving that person can put more love into the world now by first putting that love in your heart.

It is never too late to alter your story. What can you do today to make a love-difference in this difficult world?

Robert

Please follow and like us: