Author Archive: directorifi
How do you get both parties to reconcile together?
Each person needs to assess his or her own level of hurt and own level of offending. If each was hurt, then each could practice forgiving. If each was offended, then each can ask for forgiveness. It is important to note where each person is on the forgiving process and on the seeking forgiveness process. They may differ on these and so patience is important. Finally, I recommend what I call “the three R’s of reconciliation:” remorse or inner sorry, repentance or sincerely apologizing, and recompense or making amends to the degree that is reasonably possible. Forgiving, seeking forgiveness, and the three R’s of reconciliation should aid in a true reconciliation process.
I have reached the part in my forgiveness journey where, according to the Fourfold Path of Forgiveness (cf Tutu: “the Book of Forgiving”) I have to “tell my story”. How can I tell a story that encompasses 25+ years of abuse? The only theory that I have at the moment that wouldn’t take 25+ years, is to break it down into themes: Manipulative Lying; Anger and emotional abuse; Financial irresponsibility that put me and my kids into poverty. There are of course sub-sets and crossovers. There is also the way my children and my now deceased parents suffered (I know I need to ask for forgiveness myself here).
People in Chicago again are protesting the gun violence there. Would implementing IFI’s Forgiveness curriculum into all schools & Forgiveness Therapy into prison, anger management, drug and marriage programs help with lowering the violence there? If so what else would this help in Chicago for instance lower bullying, cyberbullying, suicides, etc?
Is genuine forgiveness possible if you never let the other know that you forgave?
Yes. If your proclamation of forgiveness will lead to more tensions, you need not let the other know in words. Your deeds will speak volumes regarding your acceptance of the person.
I don’t get why one of my parents continues to hold onto anger and wallow in self-pity when forgiveness is available. Why do some people refuse to forgive?
I think there are at least four reasons for this:
- Some people think that holding on to anger empowers them to seek justice. Yet, one can seek justice without intense anger, which actually can take energy and focus away from the justice-seeking.
- Some people misunderstand what forgiveness is, thinking that it is giving in to the other’s demands, or a reconciliation that would be harmful, or a ploy to maintain the current unjust status quo.
- Some people wait for an apology before they consider forgiving to be appropriate. Yet, waiting for certain words from another is giving that person power over your own recovery.
- Some people today say they will never forgive, but this is not necessarily their final word. Saying no to forgiveness today does not mean that there will be no yes to it in the days, weeks, months, or even years ahead.