Author Archive: directorifi
In my experience, I find it a lot harder to forgive my family members than those who are not part of my family. Am I expecting too much from family?
Your experience is typical. Many people find it harder to forgive their loved ones because those are the people who should “have our back” and be kind and respectful to us. When that breaks down, the hurt can be deeper than when we are hurt by people outside the family, such as co-workers or neighbors.
Convince me that forgiveness is for others rather than the self, the forgiver.
Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it centers on our trying to be good to others, not just the self. When we exercise justice, for example, we do not do so only for ourselves. If we “forgive” exclusively for ourselves, then we are not actually engaging in true forgiveness. Instead, we are engaging in a self-help strategy that may have little to do with the moral virtues.
Once again, thank you for your follow-up answer about self-forgiveness. You did not address one issue in my more recent question: How can we be our own judge and jury when we self-forgive?
We do not become our own judge and jury when we self-forgive because self-forgiveness does not take place in a court of law. Instead, we do have a conscience, which allows us to discern right from wrong. Our well-formed conscience can help us discern when we have done wrong. Feelings of guilt can accompany this awakening of the conscience, motivating us to self-forgive, right the wrong, and seek forgiveness from others who were hurt by our actions.
Can people actually forgive themselves? It is as if they are their own judge and jury.
Self-forgiveness is offering mercy to oneself after breaking a moral standard. We can give ourselves moral virtues. For example, we can be patient with ourselves and kind to ourselves. Why would having mercy on the self be prohibited? So, yes, we can forgive ourselves when we have behaved badly. Usually, when we break our moral standards, we have hurt other people as well. When this occurs, going to those who were hurt by our actions and asking for forgiveness is part of this healing process, not only for ourselves but also for others.
Thank you for your answer to my question about my sister who wants me to forgive her even though I was not offended. When I explained that she did nothing wrong, she asked me this: “Should I forgive myself for what I did?” What do you think?
I do not recommend that she forgive herself because it seems she did not behave unjustly. Maybe she made a mistake, and so she can work on accepting herself as imperfect. Self-forgiveness occurs when the person has broken a moral standard, which she apparently did not do. So, I recommend she work on self-acceptance rather than self-forgiveness.
