Our Forgiveness Blog

A Christmas Reflection from Belfast, Northern Ireland

We have given as best we can to schools in Belfast, Northern Ireland since the fall semester, 2002.  The journey has been a challenging and delightful one.  For us, from the United States, to make our way into the hearts of principals and teachers in an area of the world that has known contention was not easy.  We were outsiders and they are looked on with some suspicion.  “What is in it for you?” was the question asked of us at the beginning of this journey.  We had at our side the wonderful Anne Gallagher, who opened school doors for us. She had been in the peace movement in Belfast for some years before us and so she gave us instant acceptance into the schools.  Rest in peace, Anne.

It has been a joy to see principals, teachers, and students grow in their understanding and appreciation of the virtue of forgiveness, so needed to bind up the wounds of literally hundreds of years of strife.

I had the privilege of attending meetings and services in both the “maintained” and “controlled” schools during the Christmas season this year.  The word “maintained” refers mostly to private schools that receive some government money.  Students attending these schools are primarily Catholic.  The word “controlled” refers mostly to what Americans call public schools that receive more government money.  Students attending these schools are primarily, but not exclusively, Protestant.

In the Christmas services at the maintained and controlled schools there is a celebration of the deepest meaning of Christmas, not just about presents and good cheer.  You see, those in each school share this common heritage, yet they do so separately because they lead separate lives.

Yet, there is something more here.  As I walked through the streets  of Belfast, especially once the sun would set (about 4:20pm), there was a kind of coziness to the city.  “Merry Christmas, Belfast” is seen in blue lights that are strung across a busy street.  Shops play Christmas music that is gently piped into the streets.  One is surrounded by the Christmas spirit.  This is so different from America in which there is a certain self-conscious embarrassment to share this Christmas spirit, as people on occasion mutter, “Happy holidays” in contrast to the exuberance and un-self-conscious joy that unites a city historically divided.

There is much hope for Belfast, I say to myself as I walk along the busy thoroughfares.  They share more than a common heritage of conflict and contention.  They actually do share the common heritage of peace and love and joy as well.  A key now is for each side to begin seeing this common heritage, including the insight that this heritage honors each person as precious, unique, and irreplaceable. The message from forgiveness education is similar: We all have inherent worth no matter what our religion or cultural heritage….or historical contentions.

Merry Christmas, Belfast, no matter what your cultural and religious heritage is.  May forgiveness be one of the important common heritages as people in the distant years to come look back on their city.

Robert

On Persistence for Well-Being

To grow in any virtue is similar to building muscle in the gym through persistent hard work. We surely do not want to overdo anything, including the pursuit of fitness. Yet, we must avoid underdoing it, too, if we are to continue to grow. It is the same with forgiveness. We need to be persistently developing our forgiveness muscles as we become forgivingly fit. This opportunity is now laid out before you. What will you choose? Will you choose a life of diversion, comfort, and pleasure, or the more exciting life of risking love, challenging yourself to forgive, and helping others in their forgiveness fitness?

Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 5359-5360). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.

Tips on Reconciliation

Inez: Reconciliation cannot be the same as forgiveness because reconciliation is not a moral virtue. It does not originate within a person, but is a set of behaviors between people.

Sophia: Well said.

Inez: You mentioned trust in the context of reconciliation, but you have not mentioned that word in the context of forgiveness. Can I forgive and not trust the person?

Sophia: What do you think? How do you read this?

Inez: I suppose that if someone were a compulsive gambler, I could forgive that person and then not trust him with the checkbook.

Sophia: Right. You would not trust him in that one area, but this is not an excuse to write the person off as having no possibility of being trusted in anything at all.

Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 1752-1761). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.

Once Again Bullying Behavior Destroys a Life

BBC News reports that bullying behavior has claimed yet another victim, Izzy Dix, age 14, who apparently killed herself after struggling with cyber bullying.  This kind of tragedy must end.  We at the IFI just recently have published an Anti-Bullying Forgiveness Program focused on helping those who bully to forgive. You see, those who bully usually have pent-up anger…..and they displace their own wounds onto others. Our program is meant to take the anger out of the heart of those who bully so that they no longer bully others. Here is information on that life-giving program, which we hope gets into as many schools, internationally, as possible.

What is particularly sad is that we posted a very similar blog in October of 2012….and the tragedies continue.

Robert

Worth-less or Worth-more?

“As we continually live with love withdrawn from us and a resulting resentment (with the short-term consequences of thinking with a negative pattern, thinking specific condemning thoughts, and acting poorly), we can settle into a kind of long-term distortion of who the love-withdrawing person is, who we ourselves are, and who people are in general. The basic issue here is that once love is withdrawn from us, we can begin to withdraw a sense of worth toward the one who hurt us. The conclusion is that he or she is worth-less. Over time, we can drift into the dangerous conclusion, ‘I, too, am worthless.’ After all, others have withdrawn love from me and have concluded that I lack worth, therefore I do lack worth. Even later, we can drift into the unhealthy conclusion that there is no love in the world and so no one really has any worth, thus everyone is worth-less.” Excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, Chapter 1.

Robert