Ask Dr. Forgiveness
How am I to balance forgiving and setting healthy boundaries with my boss? He is too demanding, but I need to keep my job.
I recommend that you first practice forgiveness so that your anger lessens. With quieter emotions, you then should consider approaching your boss about the theme of mutual respect. Please keep in mind that the boss might be offended at first, but over time, with gentle perseverance on your part, you may help your boss understand the harshness and communicate more respectfully. If the boss still does not “get it,” you should consider continuing to forgive him.
If forgiveness is a journey, what are some indications that it is occurring successfully?
I would say that there are at least three indications. First, do you have a deep understanding of what forgiving actually is? Do you see it as a moral virtue in which you willingly offer mercy to the offending person without excusing the unjust behavior or tossing aside the quest for justice? Second, as the late Lewis Smedes said in his book, Forgive and Forget, you know you are forgiving when you wish the other person well. Third, are you starting to like the moral virtue of forgiveness so that you see its value, and thus you want to keep forgiveness as part of who you are?
What would you say to a person who fears forgiving because it may make him look weak?
I would say this: Is standing up to the pain without passing it to the offending person or to others a sign of weakness? Is having mercy on those who have not had mercy on you showing weakness or strength? Is striving for both mercy and fairness together a sign of weakness or strength? As a person tries for forgiveness and justice, that person is not giving in to others’ unfairness.
What are the dangers of confusing forgiveness with excusing?
Consider two dangers. First, if you excuse the behavior, you are saying it was not so bad. You, therefore, may go into the relationship as before, opening yourself up to further hurt. When you do not excuse the behavior, you can strive for fairness as you forgive. As a second danger, equating forgiveness with excusing focuses on the other person’s behavior rather than on the other person directly. It will be hard to truly forgive in such a circumstance because you will not be working on having mercy on the offending person; instead, you will concentrate on the behavior. A focus on the behavior is too narrow to get a full view of the other as a worthwhile person.
Do I need empathy to forgive?
Empathy is the ability to “step inside the shoes” of others and to see the world from their viewpoint. Empathy does help in the forgiveness process, but forgiveness goes well beyond empathy. Empathy is morally neutral. In other words, you can “step inside the shoes” of another person and see nastiness inside there. As you see the world from the other’s viewpoint, you could develop disgust rather than sympathy. Forgiveness challenges us to respond morally and work to see the inherent worth of the other, to see either goodness or at least the potential for goodness in the other. This goes beyond the moral neutrality of empathy.
