Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Thank you for answering my previous question, “Can forgiveness occur without an apology and, if so, how?” I now understand about forgiving as unconditional, meaning that the other does not have to apologize for me to go ahead and forgive.  Yet, I really want that apology.  Can you offer some insight into this for me, why I still want that apology even though I can forgive unconditionally?

I have written an essay on this very topic on my Psychology Today website.  Here is a link to that essay entitled, Why Is It So Hard to Forgive a Person Who Does Not Apologize?:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202512/why-is-it-so-hard-to-forgive-a-person-who-does-not-apologize

Can forgiveness occur without an apology and, if so, how?

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it concerns the offering of moral good to the one who was unfair.  You are free to offer any moral virtue unconditionally, whenever you wish.  For example, do others have to do something before you exercise the moral virtue of justice?  No, because you are free to be just or fair whenever you want.  It is the same with forgiveness.  You are free to forgive whenever you are ready.  Otherwise, the other person has too much power over you.  If you cannot forgive until the other apologizes, then you could be trapped with an unhealthy resentment inside of you for the rest of your life.

How can forgiving transform the way we see the one who was unfair?

Forgiveness expands one’s perspective of who the other person is.  As we forgive, the stereotype of who the other person is begins to diminish.  In other words, when people are hurt, they can think of the other only in terms of the hurtful behavior.  As we forgive, we begin to see the inherent worth of the other person, not to excuse the behavior, but instead to realize that the person is more than the unjust behavior.  Forgiving helps the injured person to see the common humanity with the other person, the possible internal wounds the other may be suffering, and the need to try extending mercy to that person.

From my experience, many people struggle with the idea of forgiving, even when they want inner peace.  I am wondering why you think this is so.

Many people actually do not understand forgiveness in its depth.  In other words, they presume that they know what it is, but confuse it with “just moving on” or with reconciling with the one who was unfair.  “Moving on” by itself can be very difficult, and therefore, if forgiveness is confused with this, a person may think it is just not worth the effort.  Reconciliation with a person who continues with abuse can be dangerous, and therefore, a person thinks that forgiveness is dangerous.  Even when people understand forgiveness correctly, they are aware that it can be stressful to offer mercy to those who have not been merciful to the forgiver.  In this latter case, I point out that the pain associated with forgiving is temporary.  In contrast, living with resentment can last a lifetime.  That kind of pain needs to be confronted and cured.  Forgiveness is the antidote to that kind of enduring pain.

I know you distinguish between forgiving and reconciling.  Yet, I still have a fear that if I forgive my ex-boyfriend, who was quite abusive, then I might be tempted to give it another try, which I do not want to do.  What would you suggest to me in this frustrating situation?

You need to be strong in your thinking about what reconciliation actually is. You would need trust that he has remorse (inner sorrow), repentance (the sincere proclamation of that sorrow), and recompense (making up, as best he can, for the abusive behavior). You can forgive from the heart and be rid of the resentment, which could be more damaging to you than to him if you keep hatred in your heart. As you forgive, guard against a hasty reconciliation, which may not come if he remains abusive.