Ask Dr. Forgiveness

What do you mean when you say that forgiving is a paradox?

A paradox is an apparent contradiction that actually is not a contradiction.  When we forgive, we give goodness to those who are not good to us.  This seems contradictory to justice, but it is compatible with mercy.  As we give such goodness, it seems that the other is taking advantage of us and so we will never heal emotionally.  Yet, the paradox is this:  As we give goodness to the other person, we as forgivers can heal quite deeply in a psychological sense through this act of goodness.

If I forgive a narcissistic person, doesn’t that just give that person a free license to keep abusing me?  Doesn’t this make forgiving toxic?

The issue here is not with forgiving itself but with a failure to see that as you forgive you can and should seek justice from the one who is hurting you.  Forgive and ask something of the other person.

If others keep pressuring a person to forgive, doesn’t that make forgiving a bad thing?

The problem here is not with forgiving but instead with people not being gentle with those who are hurting.  Putting pressure on others is not the fault of forgiveness itself.

Does the brain cause people to forgive?

I have addressed this question in a Psychology Today blog here: Does Your Brain Cause You to Forgive?

The short answer is: I do not think so.  There can be a confusion of cause and effect.  As people willingly practice forgiving, brain structures can alter.  In other words, it is not the brain’s existing structure that causes forgiveness but the continual practice of forgiveness that may lead to an alteration of the brain.

Given that you deal with people who are deeply hurting, does this affect you emotionally?  In other words, is it hard to deal with all the pain all the time?

The key issues are hope and passion for the work.  Hope occurs when I see that hurting people can be healed.  This increases my passion for the work, knowing that others need to hear the message of forgiveness and can greatly benefit by walking the forgiveness path.