Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Can a person’s pride block forgiveness?  In other words, it may lead a person to “dig in” and insist on an apology.

Yes, I do think that at times pride can lead to a resistance to try forgiving those who have acted unfairly.  We have to be careful, however, because some cultures and faiths require an apology prior to forgiving.  If pride is blocking the forgiveness process, it might help if the person requiring the apology contemplates this question: “Are you hurting yourself by insisting on the apology?  Might you be preventing yourself from reducing resentment and being set free from emotional disruption as you wait for a prior response from the other?”

My motivation to forgive is to be free of anger.  Is this a legitimate motive for forgiveness?  I ask because, if forgiveness is a moral virtue, shouldn’t my motivation be for the good of the other person who hurt me?

You are correct that as a virtue, forgiveness needs to be for the other.  Yet, it takes time to develop a motivation of goodwill toward someone who was cruel.  There is nothing dishonorable about having, as one’s initial motivation, a desire for self-preservation.  To use a physical analogy, if your knee is hurting, is it selfish to seek medical help?  If our heart is broken, is it selfish to try to mend that broken heart?  An initial focus on self that changes to a concern for the other is a typical pathway for growing in the virtue of forgiveness.

My father passed away about a year ago and I still have some unfinished business with my anger toward him.  Can a person forgive someone who has passed away and if so, how do I go about this?

Yes, people can forgive those who have passed away.  I have written an essay on this for Psychology Today.  Here is a link to that essay:

Can You Forgive a Person Who Has Died?

So, how do I get over my anger if I no longer see the person?  I cannot exactly vent toward this person.  What do you suggest?

If you choose to forgive, that other person need not be present to you.  You can begin, when you are ready, to see the inherent worth in that person.  This takes time, but over time this can reduce your anger.

I tend to have a sympathetic nature.  This kind of worries me because when I forgive might I just give in to others’ demands?

As you forgive, it is important to realize that you can and should ask for fairness from those whom you forgive.  If you keep in mind the teamwork of forgiving and seeking justice, then this should be a safeguard against giving in to others’ demands.