My daughter recently divorced her husband.  She wants nothing to do right now with forgiving him.  On the other hand, I am interested in forgiving him for how he treated my daughter.  My question for you is this: Can I forgive him or would I be disloyal to my daughter who does not want to forgive?

You are free to choose forgiveness in this case.  Even though your daughter’s ex-spouse did not hurt you directly, he did hurt you in a secondary sense in that he hurt your loved one.  Forgiving in this context is appropriate.  You are not being disloyal to your daughter if you choose to forgive to rid yourself of resentment.  You need not, then, go to your daughter and proclaim your forgiveness and then pressure her now to do the same.  You can forgive without discussing this with your daughter.  If and when she is ready to forgive, then you can share your insights about the forgiveness process with her.

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