Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I have read your views that to forgive for my own sake is honorable because it centers on self-care.  I, though, have a different reason for forgiving.  I want to forgive so that I am acting in a consistent way with my faith.  God asks us to forgive and I want to honor that.  Forgiving enriches my life and those around me.  Do you think self-care is more important than my views on this?

No, I do not think that forgiving for the sake of self-care is more important than your reason for forgiving.  In general (but certainly not always), I tend to find this: At first, people are highly motivated to forgive to get rid of the suffering of emotional pain.  Eventually, people develop other reasons to keep forgiving and to forgive other people for offenses.  One such new development is exactly what you are saying, to forgive to be consistent with one’s strongly held beliefs from faith.  So, these two reasons for forgiving are not mutually exclusive.  The one (the reason from faith) often emerges once the inner wounds begin to heal.

I am motivated to forgive my ex-husband for the sake of the children.  In other words, I do not want them to grow up hating their father.  Is this a good reason for my forgiving him?

Yes, this is an excellent reason for forgiving.  You want to protect your children and this is very honorable.  You are not thinking of yourself, but of them and that, to me, is heroic.  I think your children will benefit greatly from your decision to forgive and your actions of forgiving. I wish you the best with this.

I want to forgive to restore an important relationship.  Yet, I am afraid to begin the forgiveness process because the other may not want the relationship anymore.  Under this circumstance, is it reasonable for me to reject forgiving?

Actually, it is very reasonable for you to continue moving forward with the forgiveness process.  As you are aware, forgiveness does not provide a guarantee that the other will accept your overture of forgiving.  Yet, if you forgive, you are opening the other to this possibility of a new start in the relationship. Even if the other rejects your forgiving, you have done your best, you may experience emotional healing, and so you can move on well regardless of what the other decides to do.

If I want to start the forgiveness journey in order to forget, am I starting it for the wrong reason?

There are many reasons people have for forgiving and one’s own well-being is one of those reasons. It is typical for a person to be motivated to forgive so that some emotional relief is realized from the pain of the injustice. So, your motivation certainly is not dishonorable and shows that you want and need self-care for what happened to you.

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