Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What are some clues that someone has forgiven me?
Is the one who forgives showing you respect as a person? Is the person bringing up the incident and dominating you or are you both now on the same level in terms of your humanity? Does the other show an interest in reconciling with you and, if so, do you think that he or she is trusting you now in most areas of life? Positive answers to these questions are good indicators that the other has forgiven you.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Is a Choice.
“My cousin says that she forgives me for something I did about a year ago, but when I am around her she seems like she has an attitude toward me now. I think she has not forgiven me. Should I bring this up to her or just let it go?”
It seems that you already have been patient, waiting for her to reduce the resentment, but it is not happening. It is time to first forgive her for her unforgiveness and then gently approach her about it. It seems that she still has work to do to completely forgive you. You might want to ask her to forgive you and then wait patiently for her to accomplish the task.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
Is it possible to forgive too much? If so, what would that look like?
Can you be too fair with people? In other words, is there a situation in which the practice of justice can be too much? I do not think so because all of the moral virtues are good and so the practice of the virtues also is good. What you might have in mind is what we call false-forgiveness. In such a case, people, for example, are continually trying to put on a show of their own high virtue and so they are insincere. Also, if someone distorts forgiving by isolating it so that no justice occurs along with forgiveness, then an unhealthy and hasty reconciliation might occur. So, if the forgiving is genuine and is balanced with justice, then there is no such thing as too much forgiving.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I have started to forgive, but sometimes my anger gets the better of me. I get so angry that I lose focus. What would you recommend?
I would recommend first being aware of the increase in your anger and the degree to which this is happening. Then I would reflect on how the anger itself is compromising you and your health in particular. This can be a motivation to exercise your strong will to continue forgiving. As you continue to persevere in forgiving, then the anger will not be controlling you, but you will be in control of your anger.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I have begun conversations with someone with whom I have been estranged for about a year. She claims that she wants to forgive and reconcile, but I so often see non-verbal cues such as frowns and even rolled-eyes coming at me. What part of the forgiveness process should I engage when this happens?
I would recommend starting at the beginning and seeing your frustration or anger and then move through the entire process again. This may occur more quickly and with deeper results when you begin again. Only after you have worked through the forgiveness process to some degree might you consider gently talking with her about the discrepancy between her words of forgiving and her non-verbal cues that she is not forgiving.
Have You Been Betrayed? 5 Suggestions for You.
