Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What implications do you see if the offender is forgiven, but refuses to change the behavior?
The person who has forgiven should not reconcile if the offender’s behavior is deeply harmful. An unrepentant offender likely is not going to change that behavior soon.
I am not angry at the one who was unfair to me. I am in pain. You talk mostly about anger and I am wondering if maybe you have missed something here.
I agree with you that pain occurs after being treated unjustly. I think the sequence is as follows: 1) Someone is unfair to you; 2) Next comes shock or even denial; 3) Then comes pain, as you describe; 4) If the pain does not lessen or if you have no effective way of reducing and eliminating the pain, then you may become angry.
That anger can be at the person for acting unfairly, or at the situation, or even at the pain itself that resulted from the unfair treatment. It is the anger, if it abides and deepens, that can lead to health problems (fatigue, anxiety, and so forth). So, I emphasize anger within Forgiveness Therapy because it, in the form of excessive anger or resentment, can be dangerous to health, relationships, and communities.
Is anger really all that bad to have? I find that it energizes me.
We need to distinguish between healthy anger the kind, as you say, that energizes you, and excessive or toxic anger that lasts too long and is too deep. If your anger is not bringing you down, and if it energizes you, then you are right. The anger is not bad, especially if it does not prohibit you from considering forgiveness.
If I commit to do no harm to the other person who hurt me, but if I deliberately harbor anger inside, thus probably hurting myself, is this true forgiveness?
It is not a completed forgiveness, but you likely are in the process of forgiving. You need to realize that as you forgive, you may have some anger left over. Even if you deliberately are harboring anger, and if you have decided to do no harm, then you are in an early phase of forgiving, probably the Decision Phase.
Can you have the intent to do no harm toward another and yet still be very angry with that person?
Yes, a commitment to do no harm is an act of the will. Anger is an emotion. We can control the will (what we decide to think and what we will do behaviorally) more than we can control our emotions. Thus, as we conform our will to do no harm, we still might be angry.