Ask Dr. Forgiveness

What does it mean to “do no harm” to another?

This has a very wide meaning.  In its deepest meaning, “do no harm” means to make a commitment (and to follow through on this) not to seek actual revenge.  There is a commitment to avoid physical harm.  On a lighter level, it can mean deliberately deciding not to talk negatively toward or about the one who hurt you.

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I think I have forgiven a family member and then when the situation is mentioned again, I find that I get angry. Have I not forgiven?

It depends on your level of anger when the situation is mentioned again.  Do you get very angry?  On a 1 to 10 scale, are you up near the 9 and 10 range, or is the anger more manageable, say, in the 3 or 4 range?  It is common to have some anger left over when we have forgiven, but that anger no longer controls us.  So, if you are in control of the anger and its intensity is not high, then yes, I do think that you have forgiven.

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I have forgiven someone who is not interested in reconciliation. I am interested in reconciling. It is ok for me to continue to give the gift of forgiveness in the hope of an eventual reconciliation?

Yes, you can offer overtures of forgiving from a distance, but please be careful that you do not use forgiving as a manipulation of the other’s feelings. When you forgive, try to make the motivation the other’s well-being.  Try to forgive for the other and not for what you can get out of this.  Respect the other’s decisions for now.  In other words, as you forgive, you have the other’s best interest at heart and if he or she does not want to reconcile right now, part of your task is to accept this.  Be open to the possibility of a reconciliation, but try also not to push too hard at that reconciliation.

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What are the dangers to the one who forgives too quickly?

If a person forgives too quickly, this usually means that the person is not ready to forgive.  Thus, the person still may be:

  • too traumatized to forgive right now. We need time to settle down before forgiving,
  • misunderstand that forgiveness is a process and allow the self time to forgive and to heal,
  • denying his or her anger and therefore not allowing oneself time to be angry,
  • confusing forgiving and reconciling, thinking that one must go back into an unhealthy relationship right away
  • not respecting the self as someone who deserves fairness,
  • giving the other the wrong message that the forgiver will accept any and all injustices.

Taking the time to forgive can correct many or even all of the complications discussed above.

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