Ask Dr. Forgiveness
How do you know when you are lost on the journey of forgiveness? In other words, I have been trying to forgive my ex-husband now for over a year and I am not getting anywhere. Should I just give up trying?
Before you give up, I have some questions for you:
1) Have you committed to doing no harm to your ex-husband, even in the context of your having the opportunity to somehow hurt him? If you answered, “Yes, I have committed to doing no harm,” then you are not lost on the forgiveness journey. This is a big step in the process;
2) Have you tried to see his weaknesses, his confusions, his wounds that may have wounded you? If not, perhaps you need to do some of this cognitive work, to see him in a wider perspective than only his injuries toward you;
3) Do you think that your will is strong enough to do the work outlined in #1 and 2 above? If so, that work could lead to your forgiving if you give this time.
So, what do you think? Have you found your way back onto the path of forgiveness? Are you still lost? Let me know and I will do all that I can to help you back onto the forgiveness path.
I have noticed that my brother never seems to confront those who are really unfair to him. Instead, he might punch a wall or whatever instead of going to the person who was wrong. Do you think this actually relieves his anger or does it even help at all?
Your brother seems to be using the psychological defense of displacement, which means to take out the anger on something or someone else rather than on the original person who acted unfairly. In the short-run your brother might experience some relief from this catharsis, but in the long-run, as I am sure you know, his hitting a wall will not solve the injustice. If your brother can do some forgiving and exercise this along with courage and a quest for justice, then he might be able to go to those at whom he is anger and talk it out in the hope of a fair resolution.
I often set my expectation on low for most people so that I am not hurt by them. Is this happening because I are realistic or am I showing discouragement and depression by doing this?
Without our having met to discuss this in-depth, it is difficult to give a good answer. Let me try by asking you some questions:
1) Why are your expectations low? Do you see people as generally hurtful and out only for themselves?
2) If your answer is “yes” to the first question, have you been deeply hurt by others and now have mistrust?
3) Are you feeling discouraged or depressed, possibly because of what might have happened to you in the past?
Your answers to these questions might give you some insights for answering your question. Sometimes, when people are deeply hurt by others, they develop what I call a negative world view (no one can be trusted; everyone is out for themselves). Forgiving those who have been hurtful can alter that world view toward a more positive one, that all people have inherent worth.
What are the blocks in a person’s heart that prevent the acceptance of pain?
Sometimes people are afraid to bear pain because they think the pain will crush them. I find that when people deliberately make the decision to bear pain, the paradox is that they become stronger. Sometimes people are afraid to face their pain because they are afraid of the anger that wells up inside of them. Yet, starting to forgive can be a way of reducing the anger so that one need not fear either facing the pain or acknowledging the depth of one’s anger. Forgiveness is a way out of that anger so that it does not take control.
Is it ok for me to get angry with God when I am disappointed with my life? Is it ok to forgive God? I am a Christian.
Although the late Lewis Smedes, in his book, Forgive and Forget, said that it is all right to forgive God because God is mightier than our anger, I disagree with my highly respected colleague on this point. As a Christian, you see God as all holy and pure, beyond injustice. If you start to forgive God, then you are saying that there is imperfection there, or worse, even injustice. An all-holy God cannot be unjust and so to forgive is to diminish the attributes of God.
Anger can be natural, but at what are you angry? Are you angry at circumstances in this imperfect world? Are you angry at how people in the world have treated you? I urge you to try to work on acceptance of what is happening to you and to forgive persons who are unjust. You could go to God and ask for help in bearing your pain as you walk through this time of challenge. Please keep in mind that as you walk this path of pain now, you could be strengthened in the near future.
