Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Is it less meritorious to say to oneself about the other person, “I forgive you,” than to say this directly to the offending person?
The answer depends on how the other will respond. If that person is not ready to hear those words or to seek forgiveness, then rejection of your overture can happen. If the other sees no wrong in the actions, then rejection of your overture again can happen. In other words, it depends on the circumstances between the two of you. You certainly can say within yourself to the other, “I forgive you, “ and this is reasonable if proclaiming those words to the other will create more tension between the two of you.
For additional information, see 8 Keys to Forgiveness.
When I forgive, I want to confront the person who hurt me. If I do not confront, then I feel as if my forgiving is incomplete. Just having positive thoughts and feelings and even behaviors is not enough. The other has to change for me to forgive. Do you agree?
I agree that it is important for the other to change if the goal is a genuine, trusting reconciliation. I disagree if the initial goal is to exercise the moral virtue of forgiveness. Your statement suggests to me that you want justice and that is a good thing. Yet, justice and forgiveness are not the same thing. Try to realize that confrontation is a form of justice-seeking. I recommend forgiving before the justice-seeking so that the confrontation is not harsh. Exercising justice after forgiveness can result in a better justice-seeking and a better justice outcome.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
I forgave someone a year ago, but I still have these random moments in which I feel some anger. What is my next step here?
When we forgive, the anger does not necessarily go away completely. This does not necessarily imply that you have not forgiven. Are you in control of that anger or is the anger controlling you? You say the anger comes “randomly.” How often does this happen? If it occurs infrequently, say once a month, then I think you have forgiven and are experiencing the natural and imperfect parts of being hurt and forgiving. If the anger is more intense and comes more frequently, say once a week, then I recommend going back through the forgiveness process with this person.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
I have positive feelings toward my sister who was mean to me. Does this wrap up forgiveness for me then? In other words, are positive feelings the gist of forgiving or is there more to it?
Positive feelings by themselves are not the end of the forgiveness process. If you think about it, positive feelings by themselves can be passive. For example, you feel positively toward your sister as you sit on the couch and never make a positive move toward your sister. As a moral virtue, forgiveness includes thinking, feeling, and behaving (within reason) toward the one who hurt you. When you forgive, you are open to the possibility of reconciliation with the other. This openness toward reconciliation is not an automatic coming together again. The other has to be trustworthy for the reconciliation actually to occur.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
What is the global perspective?
This is one of three ways (personal, global, and cosmic perspectives) of thinking about the one whom you want to forgive. For the global perspective, we ask you to see the common humanity that you share with the one who offended you. You both need a little air to breathe; you both need good nutrition to stay healthy; if either of you are cut, then you bleed. Both of you have unique DNA so that when either of you dies, there never will be another person just like you on this planet. This makes each of you special, unique, and irreplaceable.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
