Ask Dr. Forgiveness

People in Chicago again are protesting the gun violence there. Would implementing IFI’s Forgiveness curriculum into all schools & Forgiveness Therapy into prison, anger management, drug and marriage programs help with lowering the violence there? If so what else would this help in Chicago for instance lower bullying, cyberbullying, suicides, etc?

August 3, 2018 No comments
Your insights are very insightful and important.  Yes, we agree with you that IFI’s forgiveness curriculum in all or at least many schools would reduce student anger. Once in their mid-teens, many of the adolescents should have their anger reduced and not at a level that might lead to violence.  Forgiveness therapy in the prison system also should reduce anger so that it is not a motivator to hurt others.  Forgiveness therapy in drug rehabilitation programs and in marriage programs should help reduce stress in those who do this kind of work.

The key issue is not whether or not forgiveness education and forgiveness therapy would work.  Instead, that key issue is this: How can we get the attention of the decision makers in schools, prisons, drug rehabilitation units, and marriage counseling centers so that these forgiveness programs are given a chance to be implemented?  In our experience, leaders need to see the efficacy of forgiveness for it to move forward.  How can we get the attention of the leaders?

I don’t get why one of my parents continues to hold onto anger and wallow in self-pity when forgiveness is available.  Why do some people refuse to forgive?

July 31, 2018 No comments

I think there are at least four reasons for this:

  1. Some people think that holding on to anger empowers them to seek justice. Yet, one can seek justice without intense anger, which actually can take energy and focus away from the justice-seeking.
  2. Some people misunderstand what forgiveness is, thinking that it is giving in to the other’s demands, or a reconciliation that would be harmful, or a ploy to maintain the current unjust status quo.
  3. Some people wait for an apology before they consider forgiving to be appropriate.  Yet, waiting for certain words from another is giving that person power over your own recovery.
  4. Some people today say they will never forgive, but this is not necessarily their final word.  Saying no to forgiveness today does not mean that there will be no yes to it in the days, weeks, months, or even years ahead.

On the average, do you think it is easier for people to forgive or to ask for forgiveness?

July 29, 2018 No comments

I think that both are a challenge.  Asking for forgiveness requires a humility to admit wrongdoing.  Forgiving also requires the humility to see that the offending person and you share a common humanity.  Forgiving is a struggle to love those at whom you are angry or deeply disappointed and so this may be more challenging for many people than asking for forgiveness.

Can fear be reduced when a person forgives?

July 27, 2018 No comments

Yes, as people forgive, they become less fearful of their own anger.  They now know that they have a safety net for reducing that anger if they think about the injustice they have experienced.  Yet, not all anger is reduced.  As an example, suppose a woman forgives her husband for having an affair.  He apologizes, accepts the forgiveness, and yet has another affair.  He has broken trust and so her fear that he will continue with affairs likely will occur (if they stay together).  The fear can diminish as the husband truly shows remorse, repents, and shows behavior of fidelity.  The diminishing of the fear in such a case can take time and is centered on both the forgiving and on a genuine reconciliation in which trust is restored.