Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Bearing the pain of the other person’s injustice seems so difficult to me. Have you ever encountered a person who could not bear the pain of what happened to them so that they could not forgive well?
Yes, I have met many people who do not even think of bearing the pain of what happened to them. When that pain persists, too often I see that they either take that pain out on themselves (neglecting good health habits, for example) or they displace their pain onto other people, trying to make those other people miserable. These ultimately are self-defeating ways. For those who truly want to forgive, who are patient and persevere in their forgiving, I have not seen anyone who was overcome by the pain and was unable to bear it, at least to some degree. We do not have to bear the pain perfectly or be rid of the pain entirely to find thriving and joy in this life. We can learn to live with some pain, knowing that by forgiving we have diminished that pain to a manageable level. It is here that we have triumphed over the pain.
At the end of the forgiveness process, you mention finding a purpose in life. I have forgiven my Mom for a lot of hurts when I was little and even into my adolescent years. Yet, I have not yet found my purpose in life. How do I go about finding purpose?
You might begin to find your purpose in life by asking the big questions of life: Why am I here on this earth? What is my end-point in this life? In other words, what is the greatest good to which I am striving here on earth? As you forgave, what new priorities in life have you discovered? Are these worth pursuing and how can you pursue them in the context of friendships, family, and work? And if you are a believer, have you combined all of this in prayer? You need not find your purpose alone.
You talk of being trapped in an emotional prison when feeling resentment for a long time. What is the best way to get out of that prison? I know you might say for me to follow your process. What I mean is this: Should I walk this path on my own or do journaling or talk with a friend of maybe a therapist? What is the best way to walk that path?
There are many ways to walk the path of forgiveness and I would urge you not to think in “either-or” ways. In other words, why not start a journal and talk with a friend? It would be best if the friend understands and is supportive of forgiveness. It is the same with a therapist. You would want to choose a therapist who understands what forgiveness is and is supportive of your efforts to walk this path. If you do not like journaling, it is not necessary. The key is to find supports in ways that truly benefit your goal of forgiving.
On page 174 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you write, “When people are angry, bitter, and self-absorbed, they cannot be creative and open to new experiences. They are bound by their limited paradigms.” This seems like an unhappy state in which to dwell. If I now see this and see the beauty of forgiveness, am I now obligated to help others whom I see as being in this state?
I think the answer will depend on your growth in understanding and appreciating the virtue of forgiveness. Have you so lived with forgiveness that you see it as vital within yourself? Is forgiveness now part of who you are as a person? Do you now think that you have a certain obligation to forgive others, not a grim obligation, but a joyous one?
If you answer yes to these questions, then I think you likely have within yourself an obligation to share what you know with others—-without force or condemnation toward those who are not ready for your message. As you started with forgiveness being a choice for you, it is a choice for others. Please see that and let people have their own free will as you make known what you see as the beauty of forgiving.
I am reading your book, “Forgiveness is a Choice,” and I am wondering… Does forgiveness apply in the case of a husband who is constantly mean and untrustworthy? The examples in the book seem to all be regarding a single past hurt, or an offense that occurred in the past. What about offenses that are ongoing but unrepented of and unresolved? I am Catholic, so I very much agree with forgiveness and starting over, etc. But I don’t know how to respond to unchanging behaviors that are sinful against me. Continual forgiveness?? Is it possible to not be resentful and bitter?
First, we have to realize that to forgive does not mean that you abandon the quest for justice. Forgive and from this place of diminished anger, let your husband know of your wounded heart and exactly why it is so wounded. He may reject your feelings at first, but this does not mean he will continually reject the truth.
You need to practice continual forgiveness, every day if you have the strong will for this. And pray about when it is the best time to once again ask for justice and even compassion from your husband. Was he deeply hurt as a child? If so, he may be displacing his anger onto you. Perhaps you both need to read Forgiveness Is a Choice…..together.
