Ask Dr. Forgiveness

How can I stay motivated to forgive someone who continually keeps doing the same annoying thing?  I forgive and then here it comes again!

The key motivation may be this: Do you want to live with the annoyance inside of you and possibly growing inside of you for a long time? Forgiveness under this circumstance certainly is challenging, but all the more necessary to get rid of the annoyance.

It has come into my mind lately that I have anger issues with a person from my childhood who treated me badly.  I also notice that I have been pushing away the memories and when I do that, I am fine, at least for a while.  Do you think I need to forgive or is it ok to just push the memories away and not think about the person?

It seems to me that you may need, at some point, to do the important work of forgiving. I say that because you say you can push the memories away only “for a while.” In other words, they keep coming back. If you forgive, you likely will remember what happened to you, but you will remember in new ways, without so much anger.

I have been forgiving my ex and all of a sudden I am finding that I have bigger problems with my father.  What do I do now?  Do I continue with my ex or turn to forgiving my father?

Who has caused you more hurt, your ex or your father? I would recommend dealing with the one who is causing you less pain because it is easier to forgive those with whom you are less angry. This will give you a chance to learn the forgiveness process well. You then can turn to the more challenging situation.

Is temporary denial healthy?

Humans characteristically use psychological defenses to keep them from pain for which they are not ready. Thus, temporary denial can be a protection for people before they are ready to confront an unpleasant or threatening situation. If the denial goes on too long, say, for years, then this may prevent the person from working on healthy ways of dealing with one’s own weaknesses or the injustices from others.

I have been thinking about people who have acted very badly in this world.  Do you think most of them have backgrounds that include trauma from others?  I am wondering if being treated badly leads many to behave badly, even to break the law.

Yes, there is a large literature, for example, with people in prison that shows many have suffered trauma from other people prior to their crimes and imprisonment.

Here are some references (click on the highlighted text to read the abstract and/or the complete report:

• Brinded, P., Alexander, M. J., Simpson, I. F., Laidlaw, T. M., Farley, N., & Fiona, M. (2001). Prevalence of psychiatric disorders in New Zealand prisons: A national study. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 35, 166-173.
• Collins, J. J., & Bailey, S. L. (1990). Traumatic stress disorder and violent behavior. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 3(2), 203-220.
• Enright, R.D. Erzar, T.,  Gambaro, M., Komoski, M.C., O’Boyle, J., Reed, G., Song, J.,Teslik, M., Wollner, B., Yao, Z., & Yu, L. (2016).  Proposing forgiveness therapy for those in prison: An intervention strategy for reducing anger and promoting psychological health.  Journal of Forensic Psychology, 1:116.
• Masuda, M., Cutler, D. L., Hein, L., & Holmes, T. H. (1978). Life events and prisoners. Archives of General Psychiatry, 35(2), 197-203.