Ask Dr. Forgiveness
How would I go about telling someone that they may be using the defense mechanism of displacement without upsetting them? Whenever this person is having a bad day, I get the brunt of the anger. I do not want the person to feel as if I am making a false accusation.
The defense mechanism of displacement occurs, for example, when a person gets angry at someone who is not the cause of the anger. If someone is displacing anger onto you, then this is unjust and therefore you could start by trying to forgive the person for this. From a position of forgiveness, you then could try pointing out the reality of the pattern. When the person is annoyed at something or someone, you become the recipient of that anger. The person should not get too upset if: 1) you wait until the person is not in an angry state and 2) you bring up the pattern of displacement without accusing. If the person nonetheless gets upset, then I would drop the issue and only bring it up again when the pattern of displacement emerges again (but I would not bring it up immediately in this new context). Eventually, if you can be non-threatening and only point out the pattern without using an accusatory tone, then the person may “get it” and stop the displacement.
I am trying to forgive my sister. I was very angry with her. Unfortunately, I dumped my anger on her and now she has to forgive me for doing this. What do you suggest?
It is common in close relationships that both people may have to forgive the other at the same time. There is nothing wrong with this. A key is this: Please keep in mind that each of you may be at a different point in the forgiveness process. For example, you may be very ready to forgive her, but she is still too angry to consider forgiving you. In a situation like this, I recommend that you go as deeply as you can in forgiving her and, at the same time, apologize to your sister for “dumping” your anger onto her. Your apologizing may aid her process of forgiving.
What do you recommend in this situation. My friend has been deeply hurt by an employer. Yet, the friend refuses to speak with me about this. She, in other words, is not trusting anyone with her thoughts and feelings about this. What can I do?
The best you can do right now is to unconditionally love your friend. Her internal wounds are too new for her to talk. Being there as a support for her, even if she says nothing, may increase her trust. When she is ready, she will talk with you.
If a person seeks revenge instead of following the steps of forgiving and then that person reports great inner relief, could it be said that this is a form of forgiving? I say that because the revenge and forgiving both lead to the same end of feeling better.
Actually, no, revenge-seeking and forgiving are entirely different. Even if they lead to a similar inner conclusion, we have to remember that the outward conclusion is radically different for revenge and forgiving. In getting revenge, the person may receive retaliation from the other, in which case the “feel good” scenario melts away. In forgiving, the person who gives love may receive love back. Even if this does not happen, at least the other person’s quest for retaliation may not be present any longer. We cannot confuse revenge and forgiving by focusing on outcomes only. As one final thought, the “feel good” experience in revenge might be very short-lived. Revenge does not necessarily lead to a cure for resentment, but only a temporary reprieve from it.
My friend, Margie, is upset with one of her parents. I can see that she would benefit from forgiving. Yet, she will not listen. What do you suggest that I do?
You do not want to pressure Margie into forgiving. At the same time, you do not necessarily want to ignore your friend who could be better off psychologically by considering forgiveness. I recommend that you be aware of Margie’s inner pain. When she expresses that pain (as fatigue or bodily tensions or deep anger), you could focus on that pain and ask her if she has a way of reducing or eliminating that pain. If she has no effect strategies in mind, it is then that you might consider suggesting forgiving as a way to get rid of the pain. I have found that pain is a great motivator toward healing and forgiving is one path to that healing.
