Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Thanks for all you do, Dr. Forgiveness. What do you think are the differences between these terms? Mercy, grace, forgiveness, compassion, and love.
Grace makes possible love (agape love or service love). Mercy flows from love. Love makes possible mercy, or the willingness to give people even more than what they deserve in a justice-sense. Love and mercy make compassion possible, which is the decision and feeling of suffering along with those who suffer. Grace, love, mercy, and compassion make possible forgiveness which is to love and have mercy and compassion on those who are not having love and mercy and compassion on you.
What is the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation?
One of the best and most succinct explanations of the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation was included in a blog post on this website two years ago. It was written by one of my fellow forgiveness researchers, Dr. Suzanne Freedman, a Professor in the Educational Psychology department at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls, Iowa. Here is a link to that post: “Spring into Forgiving: Differences Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation.”
Is it possible to forgive someone who is deceased? If so, what would the forgiveness look like?
Yes, you can forgive someone who is deceased. Forgiveness includes thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. One can think of the other person as possessing inherent (unconditional) worth. One can cultivate feelings of compassion for the person, not because of what he or she did, but in spite of this. Even behaviors can be a part of the forgiveness. For example, one might donate to the deceased person’s favorite charity. One might say a kind word about the deceased to family members. Depending on one’s religious beliefs, the forgiver can offer a prayer for the one who died.
I am 46 years old and I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary last August. Last year was a difficult year for me. My husband travels for work. When he travels, his job includes ‘wining and dining’ his clients. He recently hired a young, female college graduate. He planned a week long trip with the ‘new girl’ to introduce her to their clients. He never shared or told me that he would traveling with her. I happened to ask him who he was traveling with, one day prior to his departure. I was completely shocked that he would go away with this young, single girl and never tell me. He admitted to keeping this information from me so that I wouldn’t worry. At first, he had a hard time admitting that there was anything wrong with planning such a trip without telling me about it. I do not feel that he had or has a sexual relationship with the ‘new girl’; however, I am incredibly hurt and disappointed by his choice of not telling me. I cry frequently about it. I don’t trust him. He is known to avoid difficult situations. I am tired of his ‘avoiding’ personality and I have developed an intolerance toward it. He has a history of not communicating important events and details of his life. If I ask the ‘right’ question, he will answer the question; but, he will not be forthright with information. He has apologized for his recent bad choice with the ‘new girl’; but I can’t let it go. I am very critical of everything he says and does. I want to forgive him, but I truly do not know how….
Perhaps a first step is to see your husband’s weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and so this is not saying that your husband is weak.
Here is a first step: You say that he has an “avoiding” personality. Why might that be? Has he been hurt in his past, even as far back as childhood? Sometimes people avoid conflict because they have been deeply emotionally wounded by others in conflict situations. If this has happened to your husband, then he, too, carries a wound from the wounded ones who hurt him.
If this is true, and when you see your husband’s inner wounds from others, how is your heart doing toward him? This is the beginning of forgiveness.
If the person did not intend to do wrong, is there really anything to forgive? For example, I have been waiting for a court decision on child-custody for a very long time. The people in the court are not meaning to be unfair, but justice delayed is justice denied. Can I forgive those who are delaying the decision if they do not intend to do wrong?
The short answer is, “Yes.” You should consider yourself free to forgive.
There are at least three issues to consider when assessing wrong: the act itself, the intention, and the circumstances. The circumstances here seem to be that the court is overwhelmed with cases (but I am only surmising this). The intention of the court, as you say, is to see that justice is done. Yet, the act itself—the delay—is unjust given the seriousness of the decision for which you are waiting. The act itself is wrong and so you should go ahead and forgive.
I have found that when an injustice (such as the long delay that you are experiencing) occurs, it is hard to forgive because the injustice is not easing up. Go ahead and forgive nonetheless. The act of forgiving may ease some of your inner turmoil. I would urge you to be gentle with yourself because the anger from an ongoing injustice still may be with you.
