Ask Dr. Forgiveness

From the reading I have done, it seems that forgiving others for specific hurts will reduce anger in the one who forgives. Yet, what if someone seems to be an angry person generally without a specific other in mind to forgive. Will learning how to forgive be as effective for this person as for another who knows precisely who hurt her and what that injustice is?

If someone seems to be generally angry and is not able to specify at whom or toward what she is angry, this does not necessarily mean that no such person or event(s) exist.  Sometimes people are in denial about their anger and think it is part of their general personality or think that they inherited a sensitive nervous system.  Yet, with further exploration, usually it is possible to identify a person or persons or some event(s) that have made the person resentful.  My advice is to work with the person, if she wishes, to uncover from the past that which is making her so angry so much of the time.  There usually is a reason for it tied to something that has happened in the person’s life.

Even if a child learns how to forgive through forgiveness education, is it possible that if something horrific happens to him in adulthood then he might find it impossible to forgive, even with that prior training?

Yes, it is possible that even with the best of training, someone as an adult might decide not to forgive someone for a horrific injustice.  After all, forgiveness is a choice. Yet, even if the person refuses to forgive, this does not mean that this is his final word on the matter. With time, the person may decide to forgive. We have to be gentle with anyone in such a difficult situation.

I work in my therapeutic practice with people who are anxious and depressed. Most do not have the insight that others in their life, by treating them unfairly, have played a part in the anxiety and depression. What would you suggest as a way to get started in helping my clients to see that others’ unfairness may be a central cause of this anxiety or depression?

I would recommend, when the client is ready, that deep anger from others’ injustices can cause anxiety and depression in some cases. Then I would present the Forgiveness Landscape questionnaire from my book, The Forgiving Life, as an exercise for the client. This questionnaire leads a person to reflect on all who have very deeply hurt him or her from childhood to the present. The client then ranks the people from the deepest hurting to the least (but still in the context of being treated very unfairly). Those at the top of the hurt-list are the ones who could be contributing to the anxiety and depression because of their past unfair actions against your client.

In my experience, people are so closed-minded to the other when that other is hurtful. In other words, the one who was hurt does not even hear what the other has to say. Why bother even starting the process of forgiveness before committing first to being open-minded?

If we wait for open-mindedness to somehow emerge on its own, we could be waiting for a very long time if the hurt was deep. Starting the forgiveness process, even if it is very slowly, can be the catalyst of opening the mind and heart to the other so that the one who is trying to forgive begins to hear, even if to a small degree, what the other is saying.

Why do so many parents teach children that they have to hear the words, “I’m sorry” before they can forgive a person? Yet in adulthood they are taught, and you encourage, a more unconditional approach to forgiving, offering it regardless of another’s apology?

I think that parents make a fundamental mistake when they engage in the ritual of: “Say you are sorry.” “Now, you should forgive because your sister apologized.” This ritualization of forgiveness almost trivializes the process and should be avoided.

We, instead, should focus on the heart of the forgiver and ask if he or she is ready to offer forgiveness. Yes, we can point to the one who offended and point out his or her readiness to seek forgiveness, but that is not the main point. The main point, which we teach to children and adults, is this: Forgiveness is a free offering of goodness toward the one who acted unfairly. Forgive when you are ready. If you think that you must wait for the apology, then you are trapped in unforgiveness until the person decides to offer that apology.  That is not being fair to oneself.