Ask Dr. Forgiveness
My son keeps rejecting my attempt to encourage him to forgive two students who have been bullying him at school. What would you recommend as a new approach that might be effective?
When people hesitate to forgive, my experience is that they do not truly understand what forgiveness is. So, I recommend as a new first step that you ask your son what he means by forgiveness. Listen carefully for any of the following:
To forgive shows weakness or a giving in to the other’s nonsense. This is not true. Your son can forgive from his heart and ask the teachers or the principal for help in stopping the bullying behavior.
To forgive is to reconcile with those who bully, and I do not want to associate with them. This is not true. Forgiveness and reconciliation differ. Forgiveness is a moral virtue that one person willingly chooses through free will. Reconciliation involves two or more people coming together in mutual—mutual—trust. If those who bully cannot be trusted, then reconciliation for now is not recommended.
If I forgive my husband for his continual insensitive remarks toward me, this worries me. In other words, where then are the boundaries that need to be set?
The boundaries are in the practice of the moral virtue of justice. Forgive and ask something of your husband. This asking-for-something is what justice is. I recommend starting with forgiveness to lower the temperature of your anger. Then, when you ask for fairness, it may be communicated more gently and even more accurately, as you are not even subtly trying to seek revenge.
Where can I find some solid information about forgiveness education so that I can bring this to my school principal? I am a teacher in an elementary school.
We have forgiveness education resources here at our International Forgiveness Institute. Here is a link to some of this information:
https://internationalforgiveness.com/information-for-school-principals-teachers-and-administrators/
Is forgiveness the same as acceptance?
No, forgiveness is not about accepting what happened. Instead, it is person-centered, with an emphasis on seeing the other person as a human being worthy of respect despite the unfairness. When you do that, you do not accept the other’s behavior. Instead, you can ask for change as you forgive. Forgiveness is a new stance toward the person, while acceptance is more like a toleration of the behavior that was unfair.
So, when I forgive, do I let the boundaries go? If not, might the other person interpret my forgiving that way anyway?
Justice as a moral virtue is about setting boundaries. Forgiveness is about having mercy on another person despite the injustice. As you forgive, also exercise justice and talk about boundaries if these are violated by the other person. If you forgive first and rid yourself of a burning resentment, then the way you ask for boundaries from the other person may be more respectful and then possibly more fruitful, leading to a resolution of the unfairness.
