Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I am interested in your answer to a question I have about “people-pleasers.” Do you think that “people-pleasers” forgive more readily and more deeply than the rest of humanity? I say this because of their high motivation as “people-pleasers” to make others happy.
The answer depends on the motivation inside of anyone who might be considered a “people-pleaser.” If the motivation is an appearance of mercy and generosity without really having such motivations inside, then the answer is no, they are not genuinely forgiving more readily or more deeply. Only if the superficial attributes of “people-pleasing” are gone and a true motivation to help the other is present will forgiveness be accurate. So, if by “people-pleasing” you mean a superficial or even an artificial appearance of forgiveness, then the answer is no, they likely are not forgiving more deeply than other people.
I will be going on vacation for two weeks and will be reading a self-help book on forgiveness. Do you think that two weeks is a sufficient amount of time to forgive one of my parents for abandoning the family when I was seven years old? I am now 26 years old.
Two weeks likely is not a sufficient amount of time to deeply forgive your parent for this. Think of two weeks as a beginning, and this is honorable and important. In other words, you have courageously chosen to walk the path of forgiveness. Be patient with yourself now as you forgive. It may take months to truly reduce any anger or sadness you have and to wish your parent well. Perseverance in the forgiveness process is one key to keep in mind.
Is it selfish of me to forgive others for my own benefit?
There is a significant difference between what forgiveness is and why a person might be motivated to forgive. When you forgive others, you deliberately show some kind of goodness to that person. Therefore, forgiveness in its essence is for the other person. If you want to forgive for your own benefit, this is a consequence of forgiving. If you forgive to feel better, this is not dishonorable. You still are forgiving (in its essence) by being good to the other, and this is not a self-interested or selfish activity. Forgiving, for example, as a consequence of being free from anger, is not selfish either. Further, as you continue to forgive, your motivations may broaden so that your interest is not only self-care but also care for the one who acted unfairly.
Have you ever encountered a situation in which the one who supposedly offended makes the claim that no injustice occurred whatsoever? If so, how would the victims deal with that?
Those who are offended need not seek permission from the one who offended. The ones offended can go ahead unconditionally and forgive whenever they are ready. Further, if the offending person harshly insists that the offended person need not forgive, or even should not forgive, the offended person can go ahead and forgive the offending person, even for this. After all, such insistence may show disrespect and, if so, constitute a moral offense.
I have a fear of forgiving because I do not want to enter back into a working relationship with my abusive boss. I am ready to move on, but if I forgive, I might be tempted to stay in my current work position. What would you recommend?
Forgiveness and reconciliation are different. Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people come together again in mutual trust. If you cannot trust the boss, then you need not reconcile, even if you forgive. To forgive is a free-will choice to have mercy on your boss. You can do that from a distance, for example, by not harshly putting the boss down if your conversation moves in the direction of this current employment. You can begin to see the inherent worth of your boss and soften your heart toward the boss, even when you move to another position.
