Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I need some help in understanding what you mean by “bearing the pain” as part of the Work Phase of forgiveness. For example, do I reinterpret the pain as not so bad? Would you please elaborate on this for me? Thank you in advance.

When we use the term “bearing the pain,” we do not think that it has to include a re-interpretation of the pain in its initial stages. The key is this: a) realize that you are in pain; b) realize how much pain you are in; c) be willing to stand with that pain no matter what. In other words, you are accepting what is happening to you so that you do not deliberately or unwittingly give that pain to others.

Later in the forgiveness process you will begin to see new meaning for your life as you bear the pain. You see that you are growing stronger. You see that you can overcome tremendous pain. You see that you can be a conduit of good for others. These new meanings take time to emerge. A first step is to accept the pain as it is and through the process of forgiveness this pain starts to diminish and then leave.

My husband has frequent temper tantrums. When I ask him to quiet down, he just gets angry. He says he has a right to these outbursts. So, my question to you is this: Could my forgiving him open the door for him to keep up this frustrating pattern?

You are aware that your husband has an anger problem needing work. Forgiveness does not directly address that issue. Forgiveness will help you to reduce your own anger at his anger. Your forgiving him may help him to quiet inside at least temporarily. Yet, he needs work on his anger in addition to your forgiving him. I suggest that you practice forgiveness, and then, when your feelings are calm, approach him when all is going well. Explain as calmly and directly as you can that he has a problem that needs to be addressed. Please point out that this does not mean you are condemning him or that he is a bad person. We all have our weaknesses, and anger outbursts are one of his. Support him as he adjusts to this truth. He and you together should examine what in the past has led to such anger within him. Perhaps he, too, needs to forgive someone (or more than one person). Your examining that and his forgiveness may work wonders for the control of his anger now.

If people deny their deep anger over a long period of time, might they forget that anger? If so, would this then lead to the situation where the forgiveness process is no longer necessary?

Note: This is the 2,000th Ask Dr. Forgiveness question and answer entry on our website!

If the injustices that led to the anger were serious and hurtful, the anger is not necessarily extinguished when the psychological defense of denial is in place. In other words, the anger can manifest in other ways, including internal compromises such as fatigue or other physical challenges. Also, anger can manifest indirectly toward innocent others as impatience, annoyance over small issues, and other disruptive behaviors. Forgiving is a protection for yourself and others as you move along your life’s path.

Once I forgive myself, is there anything else I need to do so that this process is all wrapped up?

Yes, there is another step that may be important for you. If the actions that led you to self-forgive have offended others, consider going to them and asking for their forgiveness. Please keep in mind that their forgiving you is their choice, and so be ready to be patient. The process of forgiving can take time.

Can you give me one suggestion for introducing the concept of forgiveness to my family? I have learned to forgive, and I now see this as vitally important.

You can start slowly by finding the right moment to share what you have learned about forgiveness and its positive influence on you. If your family members, even eventually, respond positively, further steps might include trying to deepen family members’ understanding of what forgiveness is and is not, and trying to establish forgiveness as a positive norm in the family without pressure. Here is an essay from the Psychology Today website focusing on forgiveness and family issues: Is Your Family a Forgiving Community?, November 29, 2017