Ask Dr. Forgiveness

You talk about giving a gift to the one who offended you, but in some cultures it is considered rude or disrespectful to hand out gifts. So, it seems to me that this is not a good idea.

You raise a good point about how we are to be merciful or loving toward those who were not merciful or loving to us. Generosity is a virtue that would seem to be universal. It is in how this is demonstrated that is at issue here, not whether or not to ever exercise generosity. So, with that clarification, I would say that one should be sensitive to the cultural nuances of what you have in mind as your gift. If handing out gifts is seen as showing off or condescending to those receiving the gifts, then it is best to be quiet and private in the giving. One need not give a physical gift, such as perfume in a wrapped box, for example. One, instead, can give a smile, or respectful attention, or a good word about the person to other family members.

What is the appeal of anger that it can become a habit, almost an addiction. Can suppressed or passive anger become like this, too?

I think the appeal is the adrenaline rush, the feeling of being wide awake and in control, the feeling that others will not take advantage of me.  All of this is reasonable if it is within reasonable bounds.  By that I mean that the anger is not controlling you, which can happen as people fly out of control with a temper that then is hard to manage.  A habit of anger, when intense, is hard to break, but it can be done with a strong will, the practice of forgiveness, and an awareness of how the anger-habit has compromised one’s life.  Passive anger can be habit-forming as well and that is a more difficult habit to break if the person is unaware of it.  Insights of unhappiness or of reduced energy can be clues to people that they are harboring passive anger in need of healing.

Forgiving others for injustices that have fostered this kind of anger is an important step in curing the anger.

How can families persevere in practicing forgiveness. My worry within my own family is that as I introduce the idea of forgiveness people may get initially excited and then it just fades away.

Perseverance in the practice of forgiveness takes a strong will.  Do you have that strong will to quietly and gently and without force keep the message alive that you value forgiveness and would like it to be a part of your family?  As an analogy, starting a fitness program is good, but continuing with it is even better.  How do people continue?  They establish routines; they enjoy the kind of exercise that they do; they create an expectation for themselves to continue.  The same can occur with becoming forgivingly fit.

How can I be a bearer of light to families about forgiveness and its importance within family life?

You are asking how you can disseminate information that forgiveness is important for families to practice.  I would start with any groups to which you belong.  Are there civic groups in which you are a member?  What about a place of worship?  You could arrange for a guest speaker or a film on the importance of forgiveness so that members of your group see: what forgiveness is, that it is important, and that it is possible to consistently practice forgiveness within the family.  I wish you the very best in your courageous adventure to help families.

My mother robbed me of trust when I was a child by her continual neglect. I never have experienced a mother’s affection and this is affecting my adult relationships. I do not trust others very readily. How can I establish affectionate relationships now when I did not learn this as a child?

First, I am very sorry that you have had such a difficult childhood.  Your thought about affection now being a challenge for you is very insightful.  A key is to start, when you are ready, to forgive your mother.  Let a sense of compassion for your mother come to you, even if this develops slowly.  Try to see how emotionally wounded your mother was to have not given you affection.

As you see her woundedness, try to be aware of even a small amount of compassion building in your heart for her.  This compassion, emerging out of forgiving your mother, can be the building-block for compassion toward other adults now in your life.  That compassion will help you to build stronger, more trusting relationships.  If you think about it, you now have the opportunity to be a deeply compassionate person because of your past pain.