Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Question: I am wondering about the following situation. A person has tried to commit suicide because he or she was so despondent from another’s actions. The one who attempted suicide did nothing wrong. Will forgiveness (by the one who attempted) take a while to heal these deep wounds?

March 1, 2017 No comments
The deeper the emotional wound, then the longer the forgiveness process seems to be.  In a case like this, yes, it could take many months for the one who forgives to experience emotional relief and to conclude that he or she has forgiven.  Please keep in mind that the one who forgives does not have to become a perfect forgiver to experience emotional relief.

How would you adjust your forgiveness process for adults when working with children?

February 25, 2017 No comments
We do not expect young children (ages 6-10) to go through a process similar to adults.  Instead, we start with picture books and other children’s stories so that the child begins to understand what forgiveness is in the calm and protection of the story rather than confronting directly injustice in their lives.  As the children begin to understand what inherent (built-in) worth is, along with an understanding of kindness, respect, generosity, and love, then they have a foundation for understanding what forgiveness is.  They then may be in a position of gently trying to forgive those who have been unfair to them for small things (a disagreement with a sibling, for example).

My friend started the forgiveness process to be free of inner emotional pain. He has forgiven (at least he says he has forgiven), but he still has inner pain. Does this mean that he has not forgiven?

February 21, 2017 No comments

When we forgive, all of the inner pain is not necessarily eliminated.  Often the pain goes down to a manageable level so that the person can function well in life.  Forgiveness is for imperfect people as the late Lewis Smedes used to say.  Thus, forgiveness can work well but not necessarily lead to perfect results and this does not mean that the forgiveness process was unsuccessful.  Getting emotional relief so that the pain or anger no longer dominates a person is a good outcome.

In Chapter 5 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you mention six psychological defenses that people typically use to ward off anxiety (denial, suppression, repression, displacement, regression, and identification). Which one is the most destructive, do you think?

February 21, 2017 No comments

Displacement does the most damage because a person’s misery can be spread to many others across a lifetime.  Repression may be the most damaging for the one who was hurt because the insights about what really happened may not easily emerge.  The person treated unjustly may not even be aware of why he or she is so angry.  Without the insight, there may be no forgiveness because there is no motivation to forgive.  After all, if one cannot recall who was hurtful, there will be little progress in being motivated to forgive.

Forgiveness Is a Choice, by Dr. Robert D. Enright

If a person’s initial motivation is to be free of unhealthy anger, is this motivation wrong? I ask because if forgiveness is a virtue, then it should be for the one who acted badly.

February 20, 2017 No comments

You are correct that as a virtue, forgiveness needs to be for the other.  Yet, it takes time to develop a motivation of goodwill toward someone who was cruel.  There is nothing dishonorable about having, as one’s initial motivation, a desire for self-preservation.  To use a physical analogy, if your knee is hurting, is it selfish to seek medical help?  If our heart is broken, is it selfish to try to mend that broken heart?  An initial focus on self that changes to a concern for the other is a typical pathway for growing in the virtue of forgiveness.