Ask Dr. Forgiveness
You talk of a “global perspective” when forgiving another person. What is the global perspective and can one still take that perspective when the other has done something horrible?
The global perspective challenges the offended person to see the genuine humanity in all people, including those who do horrible acts. For example, is this person mortal; will he or she die some day? If she is cut, will she bleed? Does he need air to breath and a little plot of land to stand on…..just as you do? It is hard to take such a perspective when calling someone “inhuman” or “a monster.” Yet, and some people will disagree with this, isn’t that a distortion of whom the offending person is? Are not those who act horribly still human beings? They do not become ducks or deer or chimpanzees. They remain…..human. The global perspective is one of the large challenges of forgiveness, to see the humanity in the other.
Can someone forgive a tornado if it destroyed his home?
Forgiveness is toward people who have been unfair. Can a tornado be unfair? No, because a tornado has no intentions to do evil. One can work on acceptance of what happened, but it would be a distortion of forgiveness if you encouraged someone to forgive an inanimate object. A goal of forgiveness, not always possible, is to enter back into a loving or respectful relationship with that person. One cannot ever enter into a loving relationship with a tornado.
From the reading I have done, it seems that forgiving others for specific hurts will reduce anger in the one who forgives. Yet, what if someone seems to be an angry person generally without a specific other in mind to forgive. Will learning how to forgive be as effective for this person as for another who knows precisely who hurt her and what that injustice is?
If someone seems to be generally angry and is not able to specify at whom or toward what she is angry, this does not necessarily mean that no such person or event(s) exist. Sometimes people are in denial about their anger and think it is part of their general personality or think that they inherited a sensitive nervous system. Yet, with further exploration, usually it is possible to identify a person or persons or some event(s) that have made the person resentful. My advice is to work with the person, if she wishes, to uncover from the past that which is making her so angry so much of the time. There usually is a reason for it tied to something that has happened in the person’s life.
Even if a child learns how to forgive through forgiveness education, is it possible that if something horrific happens to him in adulthood then he might find it impossible to forgive, even with that prior training?
Yes, it is possible that even with the best of training, someone as an adult might decide not to forgive someone for a horrific injustice. After all, forgiveness is a choice. Yet, even if the person refuses to forgive, this does not mean that this is his final word on the matter. With time, the person may decide to forgive. We have to be gentle with anyone in such a difficult situation.
I work in my therapeutic practice with people who are anxious and depressed. Most do not have the insight that others in their life, by treating them unfairly, have played a part in the anxiety and depression. What would you suggest as a way to get started in helping my clients to see that others’ unfairness may be a central cause of this anxiety or depression?
I would recommend, when the client is ready, that deep anger from others’ injustices can cause anxiety and depression in some cases. Then I would present the Forgiveness Landscape questionnaire from my book, The Forgiving Life, as an exercise for the client. This questionnaire leads a person to reflect on all who have very deeply hurt him or her from childhood to the present. The client then ranks the people from the deepest hurting to the least (but still in the context of being treated very unfairly). Those at the top of the hurt-list are the ones who could be contributing to the anxiety and depression because of their past unfair actions against your client.
