Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Suppose that I do see the two children arguing and I do sense what you call emotional pain because of injustice. I then step in to encourage forgiveness (after a period of anger that is appropriate to the children and the situation). What should I do? I so often hear parents say to the one who acted unfairly, “Say you’re sorry.” The parent then says to the other, “What do you say?” hoping for something like, “It is ok. I forgive you.” This seems a bit superficial to me. What else would you suggest?

I would suggest trying to get the one who did the injuring to see the pain in the other.  Try to get the child to step inside the hurt child’s shoes to understand the pain inside.  I further would try to get the injured child, once he or she has settled down from the pain and anger, to see the injuring child with a wider-angle lens.  You have to be careful not to suggest excusing of the hurtful behavior.  The point is to see the humanity in the other, to see that he or she has strong points.  This is a first step in forgiving.

Children seem to get angry easily and then to get over it just as easily. Since they do get over things so quickly, how do we as parents know when to step in and talk about forgiving and receiving forgiveness between, say, a brother and sister?

The key, I think, is the depth of anger because of a deeper injustice than is typical.  If you sense that a child has been injured (and this can be emotional pain or physical pain), then it may be best to step in.  Be sure to allow a time of anger in the one injured. In other words, you do not want to create a norm that to forgive is to not allow an expression of anger at all.

Do forgiveness and reconciliation have to be in person or would accepting an apology by phone, email, or twitter also be acceptable?

If you choose to forgive but cannot reconcile (because the other remains dangerous), then you can offer forgiveness without even saying directly to the other, “I forgive you.”  You can give to a charity in the other’s name, for example.  You also can accept an apology by phone if you cannot trust the other at the moment.  The apology may make the face-to-face meeting in the future more possible.

If you choose to forgive and to reconcile, and if you have a measure of trust, then it is better to forgive and to apologize in person because you want to re-start the dialogue and establish trust.  The process certainly can start by phone or email or some other social media, but ultimately, if you truly want a relationship with the other, then the best way is to do that is in person.

If forgiveness is intended to quell my anger toward other persons, then what am I supposed to do when I find myself angry with circumstances or “fate”? For example, suppose a hurricane destroys my home. How do I get rid of that anger if I am not supposed to forgive? And why not forgive a hurricane?

Forgiveness is the offer of goodness toward people who have acted unfairly.  You cannot be good to a hurricane and so forgiveness is not the appropriate response in this case.  Instead, I recommend working on acceptance of what happened.  It did happen, you cannot change that, and so fighting internally against the situation would seem to get you nowhere in terms of a rebuilt house.  It is certain that your anger will not stop the next hurricane from barreling though your community.  This is why I suggest acceptance which is a kind of surrender which can relax the muscles and calm the nerves so that anger does not take a toll on you.  Further, you can take positive steps such as making plans to rebuild the home and making it, as best you can, strong enough to withstand at least some of the hurricanes that may occur in the future.

What are some dangers in reconciling with another who was not trustworthy in the past?

Here are three cautions for you:

1. If you reconcile too quickly without the other showing any remorse, repentance, or recompense, then this could be a false reconciliation in which you may be hurt again in the same way.
2. Please do not think of forgiving and reconciling as the same. You can forgive from the heart, but then not reconcile if the other continues to be a danger to you. If you equate the two, then as you forgive, you may feel a false obligation to reconcile.
3. If you are still angry and not forgiving, then, without realizing it, you might use reconciliation as a weapon, in which you come together in a superficial way and then you keep reminding the other of how bad he/she has been and how good you have been.  This is why you need forgiveness to occur before a deep reconciliation occurs.