Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Making a decision to go ahead and forgive is hard. Even when I try to “will” myself to forgive by saying over and over, I will forgive,” I have a hard time doing it. What can I do when I do not feel like forgiving so that I can make that important decision to go ahead?
Our research has shown that the most difficult step in the forgiveness process is this very issue, to simply start the process by making the decision to forgive. So, please be aware that you are not alone in this. I would also recommend that you look toward the finish line (but please do not be in a hurry to get there). See down the track that there is emotional relief waiting for you. If the one who hurt you is willing, there may be reconciliation waiting for you. As you reflect on these benefits, you may be more willing to start the process. And do not forget to bring along the virtue of courage, which also will help you start.
How can we teach ourselves to bear the pain that comes our way if we find no purpose to the suffering? It seems so impossible.
If it is impossible to bear the pain caused by another’s unjust behavior, then one solution is to search for this kind of reasonable purpose. What might be some purposes of suffering on behalf of another who has hurt us? Here are four possibilities: a) bearing suffering patiently helps us to become stronger persons; b) as we bear suffering for another, we do not displace the suffering and anger onto others; c) as we bear the suffering for another, we do not displace the suffering onto our offender, which is a merciful gift to him or her; d) all of the monotheistic faiths exhort people to imitate God. If you are a monotheistic believer, then you are becoming more like God by bearing with others’ injustice in a patient and merciful way.
I am 48 years old. My parents were both neglectful and abusive to me and my 2 siblings. If they were parents today, they would have been arrested and their behavior had profound negative impact on all three of their children. My parents have never admitted or apologized for what they did and instead created a sort of fantasy story that they tell about our childhood. All 5 people involved know the stories are untrue. Me and my siblings have, in some form, reconciled with our parents and they have been excellent grandparents. The probelm is, I have trouble forgiving them because they often revert to harmful behavior (which brings the memories and emotions flooding back) and they do not acknowledge what they did many decades ago. Is the “perpetrator’s” admission required and is having no contact or relationship compatible with forgiveness?
They “have been excellent grandparents.” This may be the key to your question. At the same time, you say that your parents “often revert to harmful behavior.” Are you willing to write back and give some specific examples of “harmful behavior”? We can keep those behaviors confidential if you wish. I am trying to discern whether what you call “harmful behavior” is indeed harmful or whether current behavior which is not necessarily harmful is triggering a classical conditioning response in you. The distinction between “harmful” and “triggering a classical conditioning response” is very important for us to make because the conclusion may determine whether or not you and your children interact with your parents again.
My cousin says that she forgives me for something I did about a year ago, but when I am around her she seems like she has an attitude toward me now. I think she has not forgiven me. Should I bring this up to her or just let it go?
It seems that you already have been patient, waiting for her to reduce the resentment, but it is not happening. It is time to first forgive her for her unforgiveness and then gently approach her about it. It seems that she still has work to do to completely forgive you. You might want to ask her to forgive you and then wait patiently for her to accomplish the task.
My daughter who is in her 20s basically ran away from home, not literally because she is above the age, but you know what I mean. She will not talk to me and is basically shunning me. I have no clue what I did and I want her back not as a live-in child but as someone who loves and I love her. What can I do to let her know that all is forgiven?
Please think back to your daughter’s upbringing and ask yourself these questions: What happened as she was growing up that she would interpret as serious injustice against her? Did she grow up without a father, for example? Was there any behavior by others that deeply hurt her? The hurts that she experienced could go back a long way, so please take your time in sorting out the injustices that she faced. These injustices likely have made her resentful and her resentment may be fueling the “running away.” If you can acknowledge the injustices and her hurts directly to her (even in a letter or email) this will be an important first step in a slow return to the giving and receiving of love between you. Please have patience as this could be a slow process. She may need to forgive you and others. You may need to forgive her for her current behavior.
