Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Six years ago, when I met my boyfriend, a woman who is his ‘best friend’ (they had dated when they were 17) tried to break us up. We are now 32. There has been a pattern of her trying to break us up, but she has never succeeded. Yet, in a way maybe she has succeeded. My boyfriend and I now have an issue of trust because we have broken up and gotten back together several times. The latest incident is causing serious problems. She apologized to me in an email. After a month I responded saying this, “‘Thanks for your apology, however, this is a process for me…maybe the future will bring something better.” I was sincere in this response. I tried to forgive, especially for my benefit because I know the anger is harmful for me, but I could not get the slightest grasp of it concerning her. A half hour after I sent this, she texted my boyfriend saying, ‘”Is she serious?! I’m trying to be nice and give HER a chance, I put my heart and soul into that apology! I did this all for you! You’re going to throw away a 16 year friendship for this chick?!” I am angrier than ever, and so much further from being able to forgive her. While it’s true that I do love to hate her I also don’t want to continue to carry all this anger and resentment inside me. I am at a loss of how to move forward here. They haven’t spoken since, but we both know its only a matter of time before she gets desperate enough to try some new tactic of manipulating her way back into his life. I need to find a way to truly forgive, for myself, and it just seems like such an impossible concept!!! Any suggestions?

There are two major issues here: 1) Your possibly forgiving your boyfriend’s friend of 16 years; and, 2) you being protected from her “manipulations” as you call them. Let us start with this second issue. Your boyfriend needs to know clearly that you need protection from his friend. I suggest that you show him this response so that he can see the seriousness of this.

I repeat: You need to be protected from his friend and he has to help you. Your relationship is the first priority here, not his friendship with her. Your boyfriend has to see the destructive pattern created by his friend, who seems to have strong feelings for your boyfriend. She seems jealous, and her pattern of showing the jealousy is harmful. You say that you both know she will be manipulative again. Together you should both be ready for this and openly communicate with each other when you see this happening.

The next step concerns your boyfriend and his friend. The issue is one of justice, not forgiveness. If—if—they are to have a friendship, certain conditions must be met: 1) She must understand that she is being manipulative; 2) She must be honest about her feelings toward your boyfriend; 3) she has to commit to controlling those feelings; and 4) there will be no more manipulations toward you. Then and only then might your boyfriend and you consider reconciliation with her. If these conditions are not possible, then reconciliation is not recommended because you will suffer once again.

If reconciliation happens in this way so that you are protected, this may slowly increase your trust of your boyfriend. If the reconciliation does not happen because your boyfriend stands strong against the manipulations, this too may increase your trust toward him. After all, he is protecting you.

Regarding the issue of forgiveness, I recommend that you start small. Say to yourself, whenever you think of her and anger wells inside of you: “(Her name) is a person of worth, not because of what she has done, but in spite of that. I will try to see the humanity in her.”

Try to see the frustration and confusion that has caused her to suffer. She now is throwing that suffering onto you. As your boyfriend practices justice for your sake and you practice forgiveness toward her, your feelings of trust are likely to increase toward your boyfriend and your feelings of deep anger toward the friend are likely to decrease.

My 15 yr old son and I argue a lot. All his life he witness me curse others and his dad and even him and his siblings out. For several years probably starting at 12, I begin to curse him out as if he was grown. I showed my sorrow and he forgave me. Lately on and off for the past 2 years esp recently we have had major disputes in which he curses at me calls me names and dont listen to what I say. I react by cursing him out. Today was the worse of all, I completely said harsh things to him like just die, I hate you, I don’t care, go to the streets… vicious things. He already said he will never forgive me and I understand why. I am at a cross road to believe he is still a child and what I say can hurt him… I tell therapist all day and others that it is me that fed his anger over the years it is my fault and everything he does disrespectfully to me I caused it and may even deserve it. I said negative things to him that may put his life in danger or mines. I cant go to bed knowing I was so hateful with my words b/c I feel I should be dead in my sleep b/c of my disrespect to God’s children, my child I was blessed with. I need him to understand I didn’t mean it, I snapped and I let my hurt feelings try to hurt him worse. Please help me get thru to him. I know he needs time from me b/c he already have odds against him being a product of a single parent, low income, angry, depressed mom. I want him to gain an opportunity b/c I am sending him to the streets, which is my biggest fear. Please help.

First of all, I am sorry for all of the heartache in your son’s life and in yours. There is a positive side to all of this: You are aware that you have hurt your son by your words. You are facing this head on, without backing off. This shows great courage.

We now have to do two things: 1) You will have to work on stopping the “cursing out” of your son and 2) You will have to get through to him that you have not intended to put his life in danger, as you say.

The first step is for you to recognize the sources of your own anger. As you have “cursed out” your son, was there someone in your life when you were growing up who did the same to you? If so, you will need to practice forgiving this person (or people) so that your strong and unhealthy anger can diminish. Start to forgive those in your life who demeaned you by their words.

The second step is to examine any anger that you have toward your son’s father. You say you are a single parent. Are you angry with the father for not being there with you? If so, you could be displacing your anger onto your son.

The third step, once you have figured out the sources of your own anger, is to humbly go to your son with this information. Let him see that you are emotionally wounded by others. Be specific so that he sees how others were very angry with you and how you have learned to be angry and how you are now passing that on to your son. He needs to see this pattern so that he can avoid embodying that anger and then passing it on to his own children. He needs to practice forgiveness toward you as you practice forgiveness toward those who “cursed you out” in the past.

If you do not have a copy of the book, The Forgiving Life, please leave your mailing address with our director (director@internationaforgiveness.com) and we will send you a free copy.

I am thinking that forgiveness is basically a fancy way of simply practicing relaxation training when I think about my mom, who has been really unkind to me. So, is that what forgiveness basically is—relaxing when thinking about the one who hurt me so that I am no longer mad?

Although relaxation and forgiveness can reduce angry feelings in a person, the two are substantially different. You can be relaxed and still hate a person. When you forgive, you may be relaxed or you might not be relaxed. Yet, when you forgive, you definitely are not hating those who have been unfair to you. Forgiveness is a moral response of goodness whereas relaxation is morally neutral. So, relaxation and forgiveness cannot be synonymous.

I am still very angry with a friend from a recent betrayal. Is it phony to start forgiving now? Should I let my anger subside for a while? It seems to me that I am not being genuine if I start to forgive when so angry.

Writing to our website suggests to me that you are more ready to forgive than your words indicate. As you know, forgiveness is your choice and so you should not feel pressured into doing so.

Please keep in mind that your decision to forgive should not be dictated by your feelings. Your will to forgive can supersede your angry feelings. When we will to forgive, we make a decision to forgive and we begin to think about the one who hurt us in new ways, such as seeing his or her inherent worth.

If you start the forgiveness process and are overwhelmed by your feelings of anger, you might want to calm down for a while. How much time you need can vary by your experience with forgiveness and by how deeply you have been hurt. As a general research finding, the deeper a person forgives, the more that anger diminishes. This is one reason why you do not want to wait indefinitely to forgive until you no longer feel anger. Forgiveness itself can and does reduce this unpleasant emotion.

I work in a small business. One of my colleagues is constantly late for meetings, which holds up the rest of us. As she enters the room and is late as usual, she always says, “Please forgive me for being late.” I don’t quite know what to do with this. Any suggestions?

This seems to be an issue of justice more than an issue of forgiveness. Your colleague seems to equate forgiving with just letting something go. She may be using this view of forgiveness as a way of not changing her own behavior. Because the behavior (lateness to meetings) is disruptive, then this issue needs to be addressed through proper channels and in an appropriate way.

Whether or not your colleagues or you need to forgive her is a different matter. Is her behavior causing resentment? If so, then your forgiving is reasonable. If her behavior is merely annoying, then correcting the behavior may take care of the annoyance and so there will be nothing to forgive.