Ask Dr. Forgiveness

The other’s behavior repulses me. Does this mean I have not forgiven?

February 27, 2023 directorifi No comments

You can be repulsed by the other’s behavior when you forgive, but a central point of forgiving is to separate the person and the behavior. The challenge is to see the person as possessing inherent worth even if you are repulsed by the behavior.

Is respect or love higher in the forgiveness process?

February 27, 2023 directorifi No comments

Both are worthy parts of forgiving. You can respect a person from a distance. When you love, you are entering into a deeper commitment to aiding the other person, as best you can, given your particular circumstance with this person at the moment. This “entering-in” makes love deeper, more special, and more challenging.

Can I forgive without feeling compassion for the one who hurt me?

February 27, 2023 directorifi No comments

Think of forgiving, when treated deeply unfairly by others, as a journey. It takes time and effort and so not all components of forgiving are present at once. If you begin the journey and have reduced some resentment toward the one who hurt you, then you are forgiving to the extent possible right now on that part of the journey you happen to be on now. Compassion may come later. Even if it does not, please remember that you do not have to be a perfect forgiver to give yourself credit on the forgiveness journey.

Would you please clarify “bearing the pain”? It seems to invite pain.

February 27, 2023 directorifi No comments

Bearing the pain when forgiving does not invite new pain. Instead, you face the reality that others have treated you unjustly. Rather than run from that pain, you stand up emotionally and maturely and commit to not passing that pain to others.

Although I value and try to forgive and mean well to those who harm me, I feel like that alone does not fix my wrecked inner world (lost trust, cynicism, depression). I can try my best to mean well, but that does not mean anyone else will. Does this mean I need more than forgiveness to heal?

January 26, 2023 directorifi No comments

You show insight in saying that forgiveness alone will not heal all of the lost trust, cynicism, and even psychological depression. This is the case because forgiveness does not necessarily alter the quality of your relationships. Forgiveness makes possible a change in relationships because you are offering the hand of peace, offering a second chance to those who acted unfairly. Yet, some people will continue to act badly toward us. So, we may have an unsatisfying relationship that damages trust toward that person or increases cynicism toward that person. This is a problem of a failure to reconcile and if this is the case for you, then you might ask the person to correct the unfairness. The person may not comply. In such a case, please note that in your forgiving, you have done the best that you can. Also, please keep in mind that you now, in forgiving, have a way of reducing excessive anger toward particular people which can be a protection in future relationships. In other words, you need not generalize the mistrust to all people. Some may accept your kindness and even if they do not, you can be free of toxic anger even if disappointment or sadness or even cynicism toward a particular person remains.