Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Can you really forgive someone who has died?

Yes.  It is not complete forgiveness in that you forgive, the other accepts that, and then you happily reconcile.  Yet, you can say a kind word about the person to others or donate some money to a charity in that person’s name.  This is gift-giving in an indirect sense and mercy in the form of gift-giving is part of forgiveness.

I have believed that one does not forgive unless the other person apologizes.  You say differently.  Can you give me at least 3 reasons why it is ok to forgive someone who does not apologize or even refuses to do so?

Yes, I can give you three reasons as follows: 1) There is no other moral virtue on the planet that has a rule connected to it that someone else must engage in a certain behavior or say certain words before you can engage in that virtue.  For example, you can be patient whenever you wish.  Also, you can be fair to others no matter the circumstances.  Why now is forgiveness the only moral virtue that must not emerge until the other person utters those three words: “I am sorry?”; 2) Your waiting until the other apologizes gives that person tremendous power over you. You could  be stuck with harmful resentment or even hatred if the other refuses to let you forgive and be free of this toxic anger; 3) Your free will as a person is hampered if you must await permission from the other (with the words, “I am sorry”) before you can forgive.  Here is a fourth reason: Suppose the person passes away before saying the three words.  You now are stuck with the resentment with no possibility of releasing that potentially harmful emotion for the rest of your life.

Is it healthy to let the other person (whom you are forgiving) know that you are forgiving, or is it better to keep this to yourself?

When you tell the one who offended you that you are forgiving, please make sure that this person knows what forgiveness is and is not.  In other words, if the person thinks that forgiveness is just “letting it go,” then this person might try to take advantage of you.  If the person knows that forgiving is an act of mercy and it occurs along with a quest for justice, then it is good to let the person know you have forgiven.

In your research studies on forgiveness, what is the shortest intervention you have done that was successful in healing people from trauma?  I am not talking about studies that others do with college students who are not traumatized in a psychiatric sense.  Instead, I am talking about the kind of studies that have characterized your pattern of research as you work with traumatized samples.

The shortest amount of time needed for a successful forgiveness intervention with traumatized people is a study by Hansen and Enright (2009) in which our forgiveness process was implemented over a 4-week period, once a week for about an hour each time.  This was done individually for each participant who was in hospice because of a diagnosis of terminal cancer.  The participants, knowing they were dying, were very focused on the forgiveness intervention and their hope for the future increased as they forgave.  I think the fact that they knew they were dying played a part in how quickly they forgave.  In other words, 4-weeks for other traumatized populations probably would not be as effective because people need time to engage in the process of forgiveness.

This is the reference to that research in hospice:

Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009).  A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60.

Here is a link to the research:  Forgiveness Therapy as Palliative Care. 

I have a friend who says he “transcends the pain” caused by someone else’s injustice.  He thinks this “non-feeling” is the endpoint of what forgiveness is.  This kind of “non-feeling” does not seem to be forgiveness in my view.  What do you think?  Is this forgiveness?

Because forgiveness is a process, a person who forgives can move from hatred, to some anger, to very little or no anger.  Yet, there is more to the process of forgiveness and this includes moving toward the moral virtue of goodness that includes positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the one who offended.  If your friend thinks that the endpoint of forgiveness is “non-feeling,” then this person is not understanding what the endpoint of forgiveness is.  On the other hand, if this person knows the endpoint and is not there yet, then the person definitely is on the path of what forgiveness actually is in its essence.