Tagged: “Anger”
I work hard on forgiveness, but sometimes I get to a week in which I do not want to even think about it or what happened to me. During these times, what can I do to not feel guilty or uncomfortable about setting forgiveness aside?
Let us take an analogy here. Suppose you have a physical fitness regimen. Do you work out every week for an entire year or do you take some time off to refresh, to heal, to re-group? Physical trainers tell us to take some time off. It is good for us. Think of becoming forgivingly fit in the same way. Hard work is good, but we need some time off to refresh and re-group so that we come back to that work with renewed enthusiasm.
It seems to me that anger is not always a bad thing. Can’t people be energized by their anger, focus, and attain fairness?
Yes, anger can be part of the motivation for achieving good. Yet, we have to make a distinction between anger within reasonable bounds (the emotion does not disable us, is not extreme) and anger that turns to resentment (a long-lasting and intensive anger that can lead to fatigue, distraction, and even physical complications). If we do not make this distinction, we could slip into resentment and conclude that it is good rather than dangerous in the long-term.
Please tell me why it is so important to forgive.
You are given the wonderful opportunity to get rid of bitterness and put love in its place for the one who hurt you and then, if you so choose, more widely for others, as you are freed to love more deeply and more broadly.
You talk of release from emotional prison as a person forgives. Is this the hardest step in the forgiveness process, to be released from that emotional prison of pain and suffering, or do you find that other steps in the forgiveness process are harder?
The answer, of course, will vary from person to person, but we have found that the initial decision to go ahead and forgive can be the hardest part of the forgiveness process because it is taking a step into the unknown (if the person never has tried to forgive in any deep way before). Also, if a person confuses forgiving with reconciling or excusing the behavior, the decision to forgive becomes very difficult because the person is misunderstanding what forgiveness is, seeing it as a weakness. Once the true definition of forgiveness is clarified, people usually are ready to move forward with the forgiveness process.
How can a person be assured that upon forgiving, he or she will no longer experience any more negative emotions such as anger?
I think you are expecting too much from the forgiveness process. As imperfect people, we do experience some left-over anger or sadness and this can rise and fall depending on circumstances (such as a new incident that reminds you of the previous injustice). Therefore, I would encourage you to lower your standards for having some negative affect. As long as the negative emotions are not controlling you, but instead you are in control of those emotions, I think you are doing well.
